Wednesday. Today is my 3rd son’s birthday and hopefully, the last cake-less birthday in my kid’s life. I can’t believe I kept my promise. I’m proud of myself and I feel miserable at the same time.
My youngest son woke me up at 4.30am and I couldn’t sleep anymore until it was time for my kids to go to school. Being awake in the middle of the night is never good because I start thinking and more often than not, the thoughts are not nice.
Do you know that feeling when someone you really like does something that’s totally against your values and you don’t know anymore how to feel about them?
I don’t want to name names so just think a bit about it. Remember that actor who you used to love and one day you see on the news that he’s done something horrible?
Or your favorite athlete and role model was actually using drugs all this time?
Do you feel betrayed?
And what about when the person is much closer to you?
Like when you discover that your friend is cheating on her husband?
Or the nice neighbor killed and bury 2 girls in his backyard?
Or your pastor is dating a 15 years old girl?
Or your brother’s business partner sells information to the competitors?
Do you feel betrayed? Do you feel like asking: Why did you do this to me?
Maybe none of them did anything to you personally but isn’t it horrible when you have to remove a person from the golden pedestal?
Maybe they never asked to be put on a pedestal, but still, don’t you feel bad when you have to change your mind about someone?
Even when it’s none of your business, don’t you feel like confronting that person and asking: “WTF is wrong with you?!?”
And you keep asking yourself: “What now? He/She didn’t do anything to me, so why am I so upset? Why do I feel like I want them out of my life?”
And what about when the “attack” is to you?
How do you feel when someone lies to you? Cheats on you? Betrays you?
Are they out of you life immediately or you let the person continue with the deceit over and over again?
That’s hard to answer but I guess we all have limits. How much does a person have to do to you until you say “enough”?
And why is it that the limit varies with each different person? Why do you tolerate so much from John but Paul drives you crazy in seconds?
Some things are hard to understand, at least for me. I can be rational, with A LOT of effort, and I can also be practical (that’s almost inhuman for me but sometimes, it happens).
Getting some ideas into my head is not easy and I know that whatever I need to know, I’ll only learn it when I’m ready.
But what happens when you are in the process of trying to find out how you feel about someone and one of your kids asks you:
“Mom, why you don’t like …. anymore? You used to like them so much a couple of days ago?”
And then you have to be VERY careful with your answer because you can’t influence them. They need to form their own opinions on people, right? Unless the person is a child’s molester, a killer or a really bad person, you can’t say: “I don’t want you to talk to them ever again” (because that person could be their father, cousin, aunt or whatever).
Today, I feel like that. Betrayed, disappointed and speechless.
Knocking down pedestals is not a nice feeling. Explaining why, it’s almost as bad.
Tuesday. You know I don’t talk about politics or religion because in those areas, nobody is right or wrong. But I have a few questions: When you choose to belong to a political party or religion, do you agree 100% with everything in it? If so, I truly admire you (still, I’m not sure I can believe you).
I believe in people regardless of their color, belief, nationality or education. I also do not believe in people regardless of their color, belief, nationality or education.
I could go on and on for hours trying to explain what I’m talking about but I better write a few examples and hopefully, you get the idea.
I don’t like hypocrisy. I don’t like when people tell you what you have to do and they are not following their own examples.
And what pisses me off even more if when someone belonging to one group (race, religion, sect, cult or whatever) messes up and immediately for the rest of the people everyone belonging to that group: THEY ARE ALL BAD.
How wonderful it’ll be if we can just say: “(insert name here) is a mother f#$ker” without adding anything else?
We all f#$kep up at least once, right?
I wouldn’t like if after I mess up something, everyone who comes from the same place I’m from is guilty because ONCE someone coming from the same place messed things up.
Are you still with me?
Can you generalize and say that ALL (insert nationality, belief, political inclination, race, cult, sect, music genre, sport team or whatever comes to your mind), are actually ALL THE SAME, exactly the same? No, you can’t. Because we are all different so we shouldn’t be judged according to anything else but ourselves.
The same way, can you say that everyone coming from a place or having the same beliefs is GOOD? No, you cannot. For exactly the same reason. We are all different.
And who decides which one is better? Nobody. For you, maybe your beliefs are “better” than mine but did you ever stop to think that maybe for me my beliefs are “better” than yours? It seems so simple but it looks like not many had that thought yet…
-Are skinny women prettier than fat women? It depends on who you ask.
-Is blue prettier than brown? Hell yes! But I’ll like you anyway if you say NO because I respect that your opinion is different than mine. And I REALLY REALLY REALLY like you even MORE if you defend your opinion without trying to make me change my mind.
And you have no idea HOW MUCH I’ll like you if you don’t bend and change your mind just to please me.
-Who’s more productive, a morning person or a night person? Again, can you really give an answer?
Not all that glitters is gold.
And I truly like this one because of the person who said it to me, a maid. “Remember that in the garbage you can also find a silver spoon”.
Monday. Yesterday I could convince my kids to take a walk in the woods. We had a really nice time and thanks to the sun, it wasn’t that cold.
I was a bit disappointed because the trees are still green. Mostly by this time, they are all leafless. I really want to see the autumn in action. Maybe next week.
These ones below are some pictures of the castle’s gardens.
You can access the garden from several different places. This time, I chose entering by the parking place, in front of the church where I had left my bike.
I took the picture from the Stones’ Museum. There you can learn more about the stones they took from the quarry that’s near my house and used to build the castle. I’ll visit it some time.
If you walk a bit further, you can see the fountain.
It’s pretty big. This time I didn’t want to walk there. I was a bit tired and I knew I still had to cycle back home.
That’s how the castle looks from the gardens.
While I was smiling taking my pictures, a woman approached me and said something like: “Would you like some information?”
Naive me thought she meant information about the castle, so I said: “Yes, please”.
And then she went on and on about things happening in the world and I was too late to escape.
I can’t believe it! I knew the Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on your door but I didn’t know they also stop you on the street. Plus, she was in disguise. She was wearing pants!!
I used to say to my kids: “If two women wearing skirts ring the bell, say I’m sick or taking a shower”. Now I have to remember to tell them not to open the door to anyone because some of those women wear pants too. Ugh.
I kept walking and shooting pictures to whatever I saw. There is also a mini golf field somewhere.
And a lot of grass and trees.
And a very nice lake. I still don’t get the sunken tower.
There are some ducks too.
And it’s the perfect place to take your date.
There is a very nice playground in front of the lake.
I wanted some yellow or red trees so I took some random pictures.
Next time I’ll show you the way back home and my little town.
Sunday. I couldn’t find anywhere the thing to protect my teeth while I sleep. I did find a lot of other things, mostly memories. Some of them made me quite sad.
At this point I’m not sure if it’s better to feel sad or stressed.
I remember seeing the thing not long ago. What I can’t really recall is what I did with it. Either I threw it away or I though: “I better put it in a better place so I can find it if I need it”.
Well, there is not such a better place. And I should learn that. When I have something in a place for years, I better keep it there or it’ll be lost forever.
I didn’t know what to do so I ordered one of those things online. I’m not sure when I will get it or how good it’ll be because mine was custom made. Again, I don’t give a crap anymore. I can’t afford any more stress right now and I don’t want to go back to the pencils.
I don’t know how my night was. I remember waking up several times to open my mouth. My neck feels much better today but the pain in the chest is still there. Now is when I wish my hot Norwegian chiropractor friend was here. I met him while he was studying and there was nothing I enjoyed more than letting him adjust me.
It’s kind of sunny this morning. According to the weather forecast, it’s 2°C/35°F and a lot of rain is coming the following days. I’ll try to convince my kids to go out for a bit while it’s dry. Maybe all the trees are yellow already and I can take a few pictures.
That sounds really nice, right? First I’ll have to convince myself to go out. It’s too cold and I’m so comfortable here.
Saturday. I’m not sure what I did last night but I woke up in pain several times. I have a stiff neck and the sternum area hurts pretty bad.
I used to have bruxism some years ago. I don’t grind my teeth like most persons do. I just bite and suck really hard for who knows how long (I’m laughing after writing that).
And now I’m back to that too. So my face also hurts. If I don’t stop doing it soon, I’ll have ear pain and even blinking will be painful. Only people who have it can understand. It’s not only jaw pain, it goes way beyond that.
I know how bad it can get. I remember some desperate nights putting my fingers in my mouth and discovering later how hard I can bite. Other nights I put pencils between my teeth. Trust me, it’s not fun.
Somewhere I have a disgusting rubber thing that’s supposed to protect my teeth. That thing not always helps and it’s pretty uncomfortable but I guess I better find it and start using it before it’s too late.
You have no idea how sexy I look with that in my mouth.
Now I better go find it because the pencils are not comfortable either.
Friday. After a storm comes a calm. Is that right? For sure it feels calmer but what about the aftermath?
I’m drained today. I need rebuilding and I’m not sure how to achieve that. I used all my energy fighting the storm. And for what? Because I care.
For sure it would be easier to surrender and let go but I’m a fighter. I only let go when I don’t care anymore.
I feel sad an ashamed. I just had to write a condolences email.
So many people have it much worse than I do and that makes me feel bad for worrying about my little problems. But what am I supposed to do? I’m human, I hurt.
I wish going back to bed was the answer. I wish I could sleep a few things off.
And IT’S FRIDAY, I’M IN LOVE! Even if I don’t feel much love now, I know it’ll come back soon.
I love this song even though it makes me feel sad for the people who are comfortably numb. For the ones who are scared to live. For the ones who don’t follow their dreams. For the ones who don’t even try to make things better and conform themselves thinking: “This is as good as it gets”. For me that’s like waiting to die. That’s a life without purpose. A life without love.
*Wake up. Go to work. Come back home. Eat. Watch TV. Go to sleep.**
Repeat from * to ** until you die.
(written by David Gilmour & Roger Waters)
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home?
Come on now
I hear you’re feeling down
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
I’ll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I’ve got that feeling once again
I can’t explain you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb
Just a little pinprick
There’ll be no more, ah
But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
I do believe it’s working, good
That’ll keep you going through the show
Come on it’s time to go
Thursday. I’m mad today and I’m not sure if I should write and spread the crap all around or if I should just keep it for myself and let it poison me.
Why is it so difficult for some people to understand that if you pass the limits, there could be consequences?
Don’t expect a person to keep quiet and accept all the crap that’s thrown on them.
Maybe some accept it. Not me.
If you do something I don’t like, then handle my reaction.
And let me tell you, it’s much better if I react immediately when I don’t like something. Because if I don’t, chances are that I’m accumulating.
Accumulating never leads to anything good. Because it’s like if I stop caring.
And once I do, you are dead to me.
Let me explain that better. If you keep doing things to me that you know I don’t like, I’ll interpret that as if you don’t give a f#$k about me. So when I stop giving a f#$k about you, don’t be surprised.
Writing always helps. Thanks for listening.