Day 12

Tuesday Feb 25th

11.50am Awake since 7.02am. I have to thank my youngest son for this. He wakes me up at least 3 times every night. Wrecked but glowing. Got my goodnight kiss. Thank goodness I love my sleepy face!
Believe it or not, I’m cooking. Lentils.
Plans for the day: Do something. My daughter has a play date and she’s going to bake a chocolate cake with her friend. Clean the bathrooms, or al least one. Read some more, I can’t wait to get to the part of the fox. “It’s very important to be on time if you have an appointment” 🙂

Decide what I’m going to write. I think it’s going be about “big breasts”. Last week my sister called me to wish me happy birthday. We used to be very closed when we lived in the same country, now it’s not the case anymore. Plus, she got this new boyfriend that I can’t stand (and it’s not only me, it’s all of us), but I’ll devote a whole post to it another day :).
So after a bit of how’s life and everything, she asked me AGAIN (that is because she didn’t fail to ask that question in the past year and a half EVERY time me spoke on the phone). “Are you going to get the breast reduction?” “No, I don’t want to do it anymore” “Why not?” “Because they finally got to their original size” The thing is, after my first child was born they got bigger (and I did too). Nothing that I did helped to lose weight. “If you breastfeed, you are going to get your figure back in no time!” That didn’t happen. It was like I kept a twin. After my second child was born, my breast were HUGE. Twice the size of his head. I kept the bra, than more than a bra it looks like two circus tents hold together with a string. When do you know your breasts are big? When even women looked at them! And the worst part is that there are men that not only look, they stare. It’s so humiliating! They look at your breasts and put the same face that Homer Simpson puts when he thinks of “DONUTS”… Drooling from the corner of their mouths.
Third son born. Same weight. Same monstrosity. Daughter was born. Same thing. “I’ll wait till I stop breast feeding and then go on a diet. I’m done with having kids”. So I did! It felt great but didn’t last long. When I was about to reach my goal, I got pregnant again, I found out a few weeks before my 40th birthday. What a surprise! I just couldn’t accept it. I was shocked and couldn’t believe it. Again all the same when it seemed that I finally had it all together. To make matters worse, I twisted a muscle and I couldn’t walk anymore. That meant I had to ask for help. That felt terrible, not being in control sucks! And things got worse and worse. Now I can’t imagine my life without my little one. But it took 8 moths to get the idea. I got post natal depression too. I didn’t leave the house for months, I didn’t write or answer any email and didn’t see anyone. I just closed down and felt trapped in this place. My wings got cut. And I failed at looking at the glass half full. I never believed in depression till I suffered it. Me, the happiest person in the world.
Without any effort I started losing weight. All the weight that I couldn’t lose in 12 years! I finally looked like my old me. The problem was that I wasn’t me anymore.
One day we went to eat out to the same place we used to go at least once a month. When the owner saw me, came to me and asked: “Are you sick?” Just then I clicked. It wasn’t only all the weight gone, it was also the light in my eyes and my smile.
Now I’m working on being again my old me. It’s getting better. I hate my new me but I’m fighting it. I have reasons now that I didn’t have a few weeks ago, I feel stronger. I can feel my wings growing! I want to be again as my grandma calls me: “The Joy of the House”. I want my smile back. And I almost have it. What’s great is that people can see it too. A bunch of them were always there, to drag me out of the house or be sure I didn’t lose it completely. Being with me it wasn’t easy, but know that being me wasn’t easy either. And it’s true what they say: “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”.
Check what my friend wrote on my birthday card:

12.57pm Lentils are ready for this evening!! I better hide some mess before our visitors get here. And I know that after reading all this it’s hard to believe, but I’m wearing my Boston Face now.

8.49pm The lentils were amazing! The chocolate cake that the girls baked too! One bathroom clean. I’m still smiling even though I’m exhausted! Shower soon and then bed to read a bit more and play Words With Friends.
More visitors tomorrow! I’ll be baking again!