508 days to go

th (12)

March 17th – 1 year 4 months and 22 days from today

1.56am And I’m still awake. I will hate this Monday more than what I usually do.
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.


Today it’s going to be long. Meetings with the teachers. And folding the wash… I’m already hating this Monday and it just started. I better go to sleep, what a waste!
8.21am I didn’t go to sleep when I said I would. That wasn’t very smart. Thinking about death is never good for me. And I see that I forgot to publish this post too. Never mind, I’m still on time.
I’m scared of death. Really scared. Terrorized. The idea of me dying is unacceptable. I don’t know how to explain it. So many things I want to do. So many places I want to see. Still so much to live! And the thought of leaving my kids without a mom… No, no way. I can’t die.
I don’t take many risks because I’m afraid I could die. The same with everything. I don’t drink much. I don’t use drugs. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink coffee. I don’t eat meat (because I don’t like it, but still). I don’t eat or drink anything that on the label says: “zero” or “light” I go for sugar and no artificial sweeteners. I don’t eat foods than contain much grease. I choose the option with less fat whenever possible. I have a policy of only twice a year we can eat fried foods at home (yes, I am a bit crazy… but only a bit!!), but those days are DEEP FRIED anything… And after that I’ll regret it for 2 weeks because the smell in the house won’t go away. I admit I have a few issues πŸ™‚
I know that when you read this you’ll probably think I don’t enjoy life… Not true, I swear I squeeze life! Life is so short and precious… I live every minute like if it were the last one. I carefully choose what I want to do and not what I have to do. If I HAVE to do something, I do it when I WANT to do it. And so on… Maybe that’s why I leave everything half done. Because once it’s done it’s like it’s dead… That’s it. I killed it. I know it sounds terrible but it’s like when you are reading a book you love and you know that in 2 pages the book will finish and you really want to know what happens but you would love if you still had hundreds of pages to read.
The disappointment you feel when something ends. The wish to prolong something that you enjoy. So contradictory. Getting things done. Those work only for the unpleasant projects. The exams. The meetings with the teachers. The Christmas holidays, when you have to spend them with the part of the family that you don’t like. Then it’s ok to feel “I’m glad that’s done”.
But what about the things you love? And the moments that you enjoy? Wouldn’t be nice if you could leave those forever unfinished?
I could have died a few times. I guess it wasn’t my time to die because I’m still here. Very often I try to forget those times because I get very anxious and then I can’t sleep. I think I’m going to disable those memories today.


Thanks again for being alive!
Not a great weekend. I’m tired. Many days without a goodnight kiss, that must be it. That’s why I feel off.

9.40pm Meeting with the teachers OK. I’m glad that’s done! I didn’t fold anything. I’m not sure what I did but the day was gone.
11.52pm Again, I lost over 2 hours and I can’t tell how… maybe I was abducted πŸ™‚

I’m still a bit off. I miss the sparkle. I feel less sexy than beige underwear.

~ by DotedOn on March 17, 2014.

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