499 days to go

th

March 26th – 1 year 4 months and 13 days from today

8.37am Drinking tea from a clean cup. I finally loaded the dishwasher yesterday.
I had a long talk with the man on Monday. I ended up exhausted… So much said and nothing came out clear. While I’m writing it’s Tuesday, and probably you are going to read this on Wednesday.

After having my tea (using the soup cup), I decided that I wasn’t going to let March go without my plant pot being finished. That and the man saying “Don’t wait for others to do your things, if you really want something, do it”. So I dressed up, took my bike, and cycle to this place where people with disabilities work with plants and sell them. I got there and the place looked really busy but no costumers or flowers or a cash register. (I remember all those things being there the previous years). So I walked in the huge place and after a little while a man approaches me and ask: “Who are you looking for?” Puzzled, I looked at him but before I could answer, he asked: “What are you looking for?” Which made more sense to me, so I answered: “Plants?” And looked at him like, are you joking? what do you think I came here for?. Next question came: “Where are you from?” and after I answered, he said: “Aha!!” So, he shook hands with me and said “I’m Arno… you see, we don’t sell plants here until half April. Why don’t you come back then, look for me and I’ll give you a 10% discount… and bring your plant pot”. Like 20 thoughts came to my mind in one second, so I said a safe “OK” and left. While cycling back home I was processing what he said and “THERE IS NO WAY I’M WAITING TILL HALF APRIL TO FINISH MY PLANT POT”. And what was the “Aha!!” all about?? He made me feel like a was dumb. Come on!! I can plant when I want to, no when he decides it’s a good time to do it. And, the 10% discount thing? That would be like $0.50. And the “bring your plant pot”… No no no no…and again no…
This is a reminder of how my plant pot looks like… I could place a dollar bill next to it and take a picture, so you could see the actual size, but I’m not sure it’ll help much 🙂

image (5)

I got home a bit frustrated. The phone rang. I picked it up. The man’s voice asked: “What’s wrong woman, why that voice? Is it because of the deadline?” I hesitated. I knew that if I said yes the conversation was going to be over soon. He would say: “Ok, I’ll pick a date when I get home”. But that didn’t feel quite right. I know I have that power now. I know I can use it too. It just doesn’t feel right. So instead I said: “That, and a couple of other things”. Keeping my fingers crossed, begging in silence that he wouldn’t want to know more, because in these past two years the thing I did the most was gathering secrets. He stopped for a while and then he said: “Oh… OK”. He tried several times before to find out what was wrong with me, and after a while he would just ask: “Are you keeping secrets from me?” And I would answer: “Of course I am”. So after hearing that he would just stop asking because we both knew that I wasn’t going to share anything with him.
Many times I wake up at night thinking that probably telling him what I’ve been hiding could be a great idea, then my secrets would be out of my system and I could sleep again. It’s just not that easy. It’s like when you tell a lie. You know it’s never a lonely lie. That lie comes with other lies around just to support it. And the great memory effort you need to keep that lie alive. Because probably you forget, but not the other person. And then I think again… “Why should I tell him? He’s only the father of my kids. Not my anything anymore.” So I keep my secrets, knowing that by the end of the day I’ll probably have a couple more.
And now that I’m writing, I think that when he gets home, I’ll ask him to pick a date. I have that power now and I’m going to use it. I really need the deadline. We said we were going to get rid of the junk we have in the garage. One piece a day each. But I need the deadline. I need him to say something like “before November 2nd the garage has to be empty”. I need that. I know that a deadline is a promise. And I know I’m going to keep that promise. If you see the amount of JUNK we have in there you’ll probably have nightmares (sorry, no pictures this time 🙂 ).

photo

T told me a couple of weeks ago: “If you want to move, start packing!” I will, I just need to get rid of the clutter first.
The man got home in the evening. I said: “Your diet requires salad today and I don’t have any. You’ll have to go to the supermarket. And please, get me chocolate ice cream”. I guess he knew something wasn’t right.
While we were having dinner I said: “I need a deadline” he said: “Ok, I’ll go to the garage tomorrow, count the junk and I’ll tell you a date”. I half smiled and said “OK”. Then he went to teach Italian. He does that a couple of evenings a week. When he came back I was already in bed and only half of the chocolate ice cream was left. He looked at me and said: “I think you are stressed for something else, it’s not only the deadline”. Oh shit… I panicked, I think I even went pale. Then he added: “Is it because of the plant pot?” Thank you! I was so relieved… I looked up and him concerned and said: “Yes”…

9.00am I’ll finish my tea, get dressed and I’m going to get the fucking plants. It’s going to be a GREAT day. I decided it and nothing will come in my way. I’m going to get what I want to. Plus, I had this amazing dream that left a smile on my face. It’s like the fourth dream I remember in the past 2 years and the only nice one. I’ll write about it soon.

9.02pm I got my flowers AND planted them. I had to change what I had in mind but I’m satisfied anyway. I wanted to put plants and flowers but I couldn’t find any plants that I liked, so that will come later this year when my flowers die (hopefully of natural cause and not because I didn’t water them 🙂 ).
I still didn’t get my deadline. That sucks. My day was OK (not spectacular as I wanted!)

My cleaned plant pot

My clean plant pot

My 60 new flowers!!

My 60 new flowers!!

~ by DotedOn on March 26, 2014.

2 Responses to “499 days to go”

  1. Oh, my, all those secrets….I hope you are going to share them with me!!!

    Like

  2. we’ll see 🙂 And no, no news on the search yet. I’m giving up!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: