436 days to go

436

May 28th – 1 year 2 months and 10 days from today

10.51am I really have very little time today and the man is a few inches away from me.
Last night he arranged that we were going to stay somewhere near his aunt’s house instead of the mom and aunt coming here. He booked a place and after two hours he got an e-mail saying it wasn’t possible to stay there anymore. So we ended up having no place to stay.
This morning I asked: “Do you have a backup plan?” “No, that’s why I asked you to look for a place” “And I did, I’m sorry if it didn’t work out… Did you find anything else?” “No, why should I do that, I asked you to do it, WHY DIDN’T YOU DO IT?” “Because I’m not interested in going”… Oops! I was way too fast answering… He looked at me and couldn’t say a thing… After some moments he said: “Then I’ll tell them to come here”. “OK”… But I know that he doesn’t want them here… for many reasons… So I still don’t know what will happen… I barely care. I’m already stressed about it. I know I won’t escape seeing them, so I’ll do the least I can and let him stress too. That’s what I call “Feel My Pain”. I know it’s not very nice, but over the years, I was the only one taking care of everything… Now I truly don’t care… They could come into my house (that looks like a junk yard right now), and I don’t care. My days of staying awake cleaning until 2.00am are OVER.

Some days ago, someone I really care about, said something to me that hurt me terribly. I burst into tears immediately, and after crying for one second, I realized that what they said not only had hurt me but also had pissed me off. So I replied something that was WAY worse than what it was said to me and that hurt me even more. I wasn’t sure if what I said had any effect on the other person because I decided to freeze them… Like, “I’ll ignore you till I can live with the idea that you exist”. Now this person is trying to reach me but I still don’t feel like I want to talk to them. The strange thing is that, that way of acting is not me. I’m a softy (until you piss me off apparently…). Luckily that doesn’t happen too often. But it’s happening more often than before… It seems than my patience level is too low now.
I’ll wait for that person to say they are sorry… only asking me if I’m hurt it’s not enough. I need to hear: “I’m sorry I hurt you”… So then I can say “I’M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE HORRIBLE THING I SAID…” Because the truth is that it’s killing me! But I’m not going to say a thing.
If you really care, try harder. Or I know you’ll do it again… and again… and again. And then it’ll be only myself to blame.

photo (2)

I always choose not to hurt… But after being hurt so badly, I put on my diamond armor and HAD to go to battle… probably the wrong choice… But at that moment I felt they were asking for it.

I feel I’m made of ice today… It feels strange. It’s not a powerful feeling. It’s an empty feeling. I’m not happy about it. I’m choosing not letting be affected by others right now. Enough. Accept. Move on.

iceflower

~ by DotedOn on May 28, 2014.

2 Responses to “436 days to go”

  1. Clap Clap Clap!!! Way to go girl! Don´t yo dare caring for those that have been hurting you for years, they don´t deserve you.

    Like

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