404 days to go

404

June 29th – 1 year 1 month and 09 days from today

11.39am Lost in my thoughts. I spent half of the morning reading other blogs. Stories of survivors of domestic abuse, broken hearts, forgotten dreams. I fit into all the categories… How sad!
That’s why I long for a new identity… Where my ugliest memory would be when I left one of my favorite tops in the drier for too long and it ended up being a few sizes smaller… But looking at the positive side, it enhances my curves now…
The man went to a seminar today. And this is how I feel.

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I love that picture! It screams freedom in every pixel.
Two more weeks and I’ll go to my parents for one month. I hope I can find the old me. The funny and smiley. And be again like I used to be. “La alegría de la casa” (The joy of the house), as my grandma uses to call me and that’s not entirely true right now.
I still smile a lot and make jokes most of the time. But it’s the light in my eyes that is turned off. And I have the lighter in my hand but I’m afraid to use it… I will use it soon.
I’m counting the days, even though I shouldn’t… “Don’t count the days, make the days count”. I’m trying… But it’s very risky to be happy here. As soon as the man sees the spark in my eyes, he does his best to kill it… And he mostly succeeds. I have to be careful. He has my kids passports… I better don’t piss him off. He can be a piece of shit if he wants to… I hate to admit that he wants to way too often.

1.13pm Trying to decide what to do the rest of the day. There is so much to do… I should be translating the contract for the house, if everything goes well, I should be signing it this week. It’s in German… Twenty eight pages of legal stuff. Legal terms that I don’t even understand it in my own language… And of course, the pile of laundry is still on my bed… And I want to sell that bed. Probably is the only thing that I don’t want to keep… All the rest, I don’t mind… I spent the last two years building memories over my memories, I mostly succeeded… I can see my tea cups, I got all of them from him, but they don’t remind me of him anymore… Because every time I drink a tea, I dream that I’m free, I dream of my new life…
But that bed, that bed is not coming with me.

A tea today… A tea that I will drink watching my kids play in MY garden… In my new life.

photo (12)

~ by DotedOn on June 29, 2014.

18 Responses to “404 days to go”

  1. I liked your post. You sound calm in the storm. That’s great you’ll be able to stay with your parents. That may help the kids in the transition. You’re getting down to the wire, doesn’t sound like your taking much with you. Have you already divorced or is that ahead of you as well? Take care. 🙂

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    • I’m going to my parents for one month (after 4.5 years!!). Then I get back and soon after I’ll move (to Germany, so I only need to cross the border :)). I never married (thank goodness!!). We are trying to make everything in a friendly way, but it’s so hard sometimes!! (Specially because he’s not tolerant and impulsive (violent) and I can’t keep my mouth shut :)))). But I’m trying now, I bite my tongue with the risk of getting poisoned :)). Have a great Sunday!

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      • Great, you get to spend some quality time with the folks then make the move. How big a move is that. Geography wasn’t my greatest subject. Where is Germany, if that safe to ask. I learned thru DNA I have German heritage so it’s been fascinating learning about the country other than Hitler. I hope to go soon. It looks beautiful. My family came from the wine making area, When I look at the country in my mind I can’t tell if it’s east or west. Lots of beautiful drives. Do you speak German? Or is that ness., so many countries speak English or French. English is all I know and so far it’s worked. Have a great day. Keep the tongue tied down. 🙂

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      • I’ll move to a tiny place that belongs to Bad Bentheim, it’s only 15 miles away from here. I don’t have many things (mostly craft stuff and unfinished projects)… The man said: “Take everything except the frying pan” and a “painting” I made with my kids… I guess than if I unmount all the (IKEA) furniture, I can fit it in one truck :). I have no idea where the wine making area is… here is full of farms and where I’m moving, there are some spas because of the thermal baths. It’s a very small place 🙂

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      • I’m not familar with Bad Bentheim, if I should be. I had no idea Germany was that close to Holland. Thermal bath sounds good about now. Have a great day. 🙂

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      • Tiny place, I wouldn’t know it either if it were 50 miles away… But it’s really close and on the highway it appears on the same signs than this place… 🙂
        Carpe diem! 🙂
        Since I want my kids to have their dad near, I can’t go much further… Otherwise I would go near Düsseldorf or where “something happens” :)… And I’m always learning German.. So far, I can order food and ask for a room 🙂

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      • You’re very strong to put your kids first. If more parents did we would less wounded children. Go put the laundry up. It’s been following you for weeks. 🙂

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      • I can’t decide if I’m strong or stubborn :). (Maybe a bit of both)… And I couldn’t forgive myself if I leave my kids without their dad… But I wouldn’t forgive myself if I stay with their dad… I’ll write about it tomorrow… 🙂
        The laundry… it’s starting to bother me because if I don’t act fast, I’ll have to fold it again!!

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  2. I was just considering a cup or two of linden leaf tea tonight, have you tried it? Lovely, just lovely, in aroma and taste and it is a natural anti-anxiety herb. I adore tea cups, but don’t have any, lol! (((hugs)) Loved your photo up there too.

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    • Thank you!! 🙂
      I’ve tried linden tea! It’s a sedative! I think I still have some.
      I would drink one now but I know that if I do, I’ll spend the rest of the night going to the bathroom. :). It’s past 2am… I hate being anxious!
      I was writing till my battery died, I should sleep now… But I think I prefer to dream some more.

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    • And I’m not the woman on the picture. I borrowed that picture from “stealthy freedom”, I’m not sure if you heard about it. (Iranian women taking pictures of themselves without their veils and posting them on Facebook). I used to use the picture of William Wallace (Mel Gibson on Braveheart) to represent freedom until I saw that picture and read the story of those women… Risking so much!! I wrote a few posts about it… :).

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