403 days to go


June 30th – 1 year 1 month and 08 days from today

0.14am I got inspired. I will regret this tomorrow when my neck hurts. That’s why I was careful of taking the laptop without the cable… The battery will last only one hour. One and a half if I don’t go crazy surfing… Writing on the bed is not the smartest thing to do. And start writing after midnight, in my case, always means a very short night ahead.
But I wanted to write this to you. To all the very well intentioned people who tried to convince me that I could try harder to save my relationship. “Everyone deserves a second chance”, “Maybe, if you go to a counselor, things will get better”, “Think about your kids”, “You have to confront the problems, not hide the head under the surface or leave”, “Try… Think about all the things that made you fall for him”…
I tried. Then I tried harder. I can say that I did everything to make it work. Until one day I thought: “If he hurts me once, it’s fine if I forgive him… If he hurts me twice, then I’m the only one to blame because I allowed it to happen”. After a while, I lost count…
I found this the other day. How much truth in those words. I wish I had seen that four years ago.


I also want to say that I’m sorry because I didn’t tell you why I didn’t want to stay in this relationship. But if someone goes to you and says: My husband/boyfriend tells me I’m useless, a bad mother, an egoist (which it was kind of funny every time I heard that one and I had to laugh), or an ignorant, just to name a few, how would you react?
Well… If someone tells me that, I’m not sure I could be completely honest… There is more than “just pack and leave”. In my case, I have 5 kids, I live an ocean away from my family and I have nobody here that I can call a real friend.
And all the time in my head I had two thoughts:
1) I can’t leave my kids without their dad…
2) I can’t do what my grandma did… She stayed with my grandfather after being cheated on dozens of times… And what did she get in return? Things like: “It’s your own fault” “You must have done something wrong”.
Yes… society can be cruel. You need to be there to understand. And you need to be ready to understand. And you need to be strong.
My mom said (over and over again for the past three years): “Don’t do what I did. Don’t shut up. Don’t keep everything for yourself. Don’t think only about your kids… In the end, they’ll kick your ass and do whatever they please.. (Ouch!). And if you eat all your anger, and keep everything for yourself, you could end up like me”…
She’s recovering from colon cancer. We kids are the most ungrateful creatures. We think we own our parents. We realize way too late that it’s not that way. Parents have their lives and their dreams… So every time my mom said that to me, I replied: “You thought you were making the right choice… I’m sorry it wasn’t that way” “I know, that’s why I’m saying this to you. Be egoist. Think about yourself, because if you don’t, nobody will”. Coming from a mom who didn’t live her life because she thought that it was more important that her kids could live theirs.
“If you don’t respect yourself, don’t expect others to do it”, So my only option then was to keep quiet and make a plan. I made several plans, that was the easy part… The difficult part was the keeping quiet. Still is. The wrong word at the wrong time can have devastating effects. The man is a box full of surprises. When I say: “He’s a great guy but a jerk with me”, take my word, it’s that way. Which makes things so hard. I love the nice side of him… as much as I HATE his horrible side.
So I decided that I was not going to stay with him but that we had to live close to each other for the sake of our kids. With one condition: “We have to leave this country” (hence, the name of my project). Many things happened and my beautiful plan faded (and all my hopes with it).
I can’t just leave and take my kids… Things could get UGLY. I know cases, I’m not willing to risk. But I can’t stay!!!
And one day he came to me and shouted: “Ok, I don’t want to see you again. Keep the house, I’m out”. In my head: “That sounds ok… But I’m still here… I hate this place… I’ll be stuck here forever”… Shit.
So he looked for a place. He found a place. And I guess I was too excited about it because next thing he did was aborting the plan… WTF… It’s always like that… Like giving a child a balloon just to pop it in front of their face. And that’s my life with him… I should have understood that from the beginning… Like on our first date he said: “When I was 18 I had enough money to buy a motorcycle. I went to my parents and said: I’m going to buy it. They said: no, it’s better if you get a car. Ok… So I saved more money and found a car. I went to them and said: I’m going to buy it. Then they said, why don’t you better get a bigger car? So then I got tired of it, took my money and came to this country to study”…
Years later, I realized that he did the same with me, every time… He kept me excited about something and then just changed his mind. Does he find any pleasure doing that? Who knows?
One day I asked: “Did you make an appointment to see the house?” “No, I didn’t and I won’t… Why don’t you find a house and move out? Why don’t you go to Germany? You’ll be leaving this place, that’s what you want, right?… After all, THIS IS MY HOUSE, you didn’t contribute to buy it, so you should be the one leaving, not me”…
That was music for my ears… But I couldn’t show how happy I was… I pretended to be scared. I tested him to see if he was going to change his mind. I enrolled my kids in a German school. I got a house. I only need to sign the contract (happening Wednesday evening!!)…
The papers signed by the notary saying that the kids will live with me is also happening this week.
I’m about to get what I wanted… If I only could get my three butlers!!
Shit, the battery will die now… I’ll have to publish this later.
9.50am Exactly as predicted, except for the neck pain. I stayed until 3.00am… Not writing because the battery died at 1.30am. Just thinking. My head was too full to sleep, I need to make some room. Still so much going on…

A deserted beach today… I need serenity.


~ by DotedOn on June 30, 2014.

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