Yesterday was more or less like this. I finished writing, went to rinse my hair and came back to the living room to check my “to do list”. I decided to finish scratching and cleaning the last bedroom wall. So I did. I used a steam cleaner because it was quite hard to do. That took about two hours and it was very tiring. I contemplated painting my toenails but decided to do it after….. “shit, I forgot to add: mow the lawn to the list”. It wasn’t raining, I had the lawn mower and finally gotten the cable I had ordered online. So, mow the lawn it is. I had never done it before and thought: “What could be more relaxing that working in the garden?”

First things first. I opened YouTube: “how to mow the lawn like a pro”. Hundred of videos. I opened the one on top ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJebyFqxDXI ). OMG, I was laughing for hours after watching it. I think the guy was drugged, because there is NO WAY anyone can enjoy mowing the fucking lawn (or at least, doing it under the conditions I had to do it).
So I watched the 2:22 minutes video and replayed the last seconds when the guy says: “So the best way to do it is to edge, mow, trim and blow. Those are the best ways to mow like a professional landscaper”. I repeated in my head: “edge, mow, trim and blow”. Please take the time to watch it, it’s worth every second.
Problems there? Yes, I don’t own an edger or a trimmer. And the blowing I could do was totally different to the one the guy meant.
So the list in my head changed to “mow, mow, mow and mow”.

I started mowing. The freaking grass was TOO HIGH and the machine wouldn’t move. I was pushing the little thing with all my strength (like if it were ten thousand tons). I remembered the guy saying: “change the mowing direction”. To turn the machine was awfully difficult. After I had the first line cut, the little basket on the back of the machine was full and the rest of the cut grass stayed on the sides of the machine. So I took the basket and went to empty it where one of these days, a compost container will be placed. Then I placed the basket again (of course I did it in the wrong way), so ALL the grass I cut stayed there… I was checking every 3 steps, how it was possible that the thing didn’t get full.
I had bought a VERY LONG cable (40m/131ft), because I wasn’t sure where I could plug it. So I had to add to my nightmare that the stupid cable was either on the way or tangled somewhere. I was laughing like crazy and swearing. I wondered what the neighbors were thinking. Probably “City Girl” was the nicest nickname I got. I forgot to mention, I started mowing with flip flops. But I learned the lesson and changed for rain boots soon (after leaving a trace of grass everywhere in the house).
I was praying for anyone to walk by and say: “Let me show you how you have to do it”. Then I would pretend I didn’t understand and leave the sucker mow my lawn.
I think I had cut 1/3 of the front yard and I couldn’t breath anymore. The trips to dispose the cut grass where hell. By the fourth trip, more than walking, I was crawling. Then I remembered I still had the wheelbarrow.
I continued mowing till I thought I had finished. Then I saw all the little mountains of grass. Shit, I’ll have to pick them by hand, one by one because I don’t have a rake. WTF, I suck! So I had to crouch to pick all the grass. “The gloves!! Fuck’em, I’m not going upstairs to the toolbox or I may not come back”. I was only hoping for a tornado so I wouldn’t have to pick the grass anymore. When I finished, I discovered I had missed a lot of spots. So fuck the “how to mow the lawn like a pro” and I went with the machine like I would do it when I use the vacuum cleaner. I believe I gave quite a show. The nicest part was the swearing every time the cable got stuck and it unplugged. And again the crouching.

Here are some pictures. That’s my house. I could kiss all the plants (just for being there instead of grass).

photo 3 (13)

photo 4 (8)

The machine (aka the mother fucker on duty)

photo 2 (19)

The full wheelbarrow (I could kiss it too)

photo 1 (17)

The disposal (that place is hidden behind two trees. The construction and the wheels, belong to the land on the side, where the horse is. It’s an L shaped land).

photo 2 (20)

I got a “natural manicure”. After the shower and 20 hours later, my nails are still green.

photo 4 (9)

And that’s me on the ground. I stayed there for half an hour.

photo 3 (14)

It was dinner time. Beer, tea, peanuts and pretzels. And half pot of chocolate ice-cream when I had the energy to walk to the fridge. I believe I covered the entire nutritional pyramid.

photo 5 (7)

I wanted to take a bath but I was too tired. So shower and in bed by 9.15pm. Two hours nap and then three hours thinking, writing and playing on the iPod. I’m still exhausted beyond limits. Oh yeah, The backyard is twice as big… That will come tomorrow.
“What could be more relaxing that working in the garden?” F**K YOU!


~ by DotedOn on September 2, 2014.

6 Responses to “00:06.4”

  1. LOL fucking hilarious post. You need a a mower you can sit on and ride for that big garden. Could you not find a squirrel to edge and blow??


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