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Wednesday. I slept terribly. Cutie came to my room at 2.00am and I couldn’t wake so I let him in my bed. Big mistake. I wrote the next paragraphs yesterday when I was feeling a bit down.

Tuesday evening. I’m trying therapeutic writing because I’m walking on the edge and I know that if I fall now I’m not sure I’ll be standing up and walking again. I have enough on my shoulders.
My day started fine but around midday it turned out like crap. I’m really losing the faith.
Some things are just too much and I have to take them personally because they are directed to me. I feel deceived. Why is it so hard to let go? Why more and more people keep letting me down?

It may seem that I have everything under control but I don’t. I don’t have any mask on. I’m this way. I can still joke and smile, even when I’m hurting. And now I’m hurting. I’m fighting the crying for over 8 hours (when you read this probably it’ll be more than 20).
I left my house to pick my son from school and my daughter insisted on going with her bike. She was supposed to stop and wait for me but she decided to cross the street. I’m not sure how she’s still alive, her guardian angel is amazing. When I saw her reaching the other side of the street my heart stopped because I saw the cars passing and she didn’t even realize what she was doing. A woman asked me if she was my daughter and said that she did something very dangerous. I saw it happening, I just couldn’t reply, I was shocked. When I got to her, I started shouting in the middle of the street. Bad and mean shouting that really means “don’t you are to get hurt or I’ll die”. But she didn’t understand my concern, only the ugly part of me saying “I will remove the fucking wheels of you crappy bike because you don’t listen to me”.
And then I needed to cry badly and my son didn’t stop talking. All the way back talking when I just needed to unload the pile of shit forming in me. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t cry when I got home and I still can’t.
And when it’s like that I’m just stuck. Nothing gets done. I’m behind with everything and overwhelmed. I’m afraid to lose it.

I want to thank all of you who read and comment and tell you that your kind words in days like these are truly life savers. Special thanks today to Heather from poemsfromherlife.com who wrote THIS beautiful poem and added the quote that was exactly what I needed.

I’m going to take a shower now and try to cry there. After that, I’ll have a glass of wine and see if I can catch up on reading.
I’ll write a few more lines tomorrow.

I didn’t drink the wine or cry. And this morning is not much better. I forgot what I was supposed to bring to school for my son so I had to do the trip twice. I can add to the pile of shit: Physically exhausted.

My plan for today was writing a nice story to remember my Aunt Norma on her birthday. She died almost 13 years ago. I guess that’ll be another time. Happy birthday tía (aunt), I miss you!!

My mom, my youngest cousin (17 now), my aunt Norma and me.

~ by DotedOn on November 26, 2014.