91

91

Wednesday. I slept terribly. Cutie came to my room at 2.00am and I couldn’t wake so I let him in my bed. Big mistake. I wrote the next paragraphs yesterday when I was feeling a bit down.

Tuesday evening. I’m trying therapeutic writing because I’m walking on the edge and I know that if I fall now I’m not sure I’ll be standing up and walking again. I have enough on my shoulders.
My day started fine but around midday it turned out like crap. I’m really losing the faith.
Some things are just too much and I have to take them personally because they are directed to me. I feel deceived. Why is it so hard to let go? Why more and more people keep letting me down?

It may seem that I have everything under control but I don’t. I don’t have any mask on. I’m this way. I can still joke and smile, even when I’m hurting. And now I’m hurting. I’m fighting the crying for over 8 hours (when you read this probably it’ll be more than 20).
I left my house to pick my son from school and my daughter insisted on going with her bike. She was supposed to stop and wait for me but she decided to cross the street. I’m not sure how she’s still alive, her guardian angel is amazing. When I saw her reaching the other side of the street my heart stopped because I saw the cars passing and she didn’t even realize what she was doing. A woman asked me if she was my daughter and said that she did something very dangerous. I saw it happening, I just couldn’t reply, I was shocked. When I got to her, I started shouting in the middle of the street. Bad and mean shouting that really means “don’t you are to get hurt or I’ll die”. But she didn’t understand my concern, only the ugly part of me saying “I will remove the fucking wheels of you crappy bike because you don’t listen to me”.
And then I needed to cry badly and my son didn’t stop talking. All the way back talking when I just needed to unload the pile of shit forming in me. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t cry when I got home and I still can’t.
And when it’s like that I’m just stuck. Nothing gets done. I’m behind with everything and overwhelmed. I’m afraid to lose it.

I want to thank all of you who read and comment and tell you that your kind words in days like these are truly life savers. Special thanks today to Heather from poemsfromherlife.com who wrote THIS beautiful poem and added the quote that was exactly what I needed.

I’m going to take a shower now and try to cry there. After that, I’ll have a glass of wine and see if I can catch up on reading.
I’ll write a few more lines tomorrow.

I didn’t drink the wine or cry. And this morning is not much better. I forgot what I was supposed to bring to school for my son so I had to do the trip twice. I can add to the pile of shit: Physically exhausted.

My plan for today was writing a nice story to remember my Aunt Norma on her birthday. She died almost 13 years ago. I guess that’ll be another time. Happy birthday tΓ­a (aunt), I miss you!!

IMG_8527

My mom, my youngest cousin (17 now), my aunt Norma and me.

~ by DotedOn on November 26, 2014.

37 Responses to “91”

  1. Reblogged this on Survivors Blog Here.

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  2. Stay strong. The tears will come and you won’t be able to stop them. Nor should you.

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  3. Letting go is the hardest, but most important part, Paola. I’ve held onto things that years later, in retrospect, I wonder why I held onto them for so long.

    β€œI will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” – Gandalf

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Please be strong dear….you’re doing great…keep holding it together…lest your psychological absence affects your children….okay

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  5. I hope you are feeling better now. I think it is good to find humor, even when there is little to laugh about. One time I was feeling very bad and my friend told me to go to the door and slam my fingers in the door. I asked him if he is crazy, what does that do for me? He told me I will forget about everything except my fingers. I laughed and that made me mad because I didn’t want to laugh. Do something really nice for you but don’t try the finger smash technique. I think he was lying to me. (I give you a little smile –>Here πŸ™‚

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  6. OMG…you have truly had a day….I am so sorry!!!! I had days and times of frustration and fear but my children also saw the rage from it and not the fact that it wasn’t meant AT them, it was meant FOR them I saw the line back in my messages and came by to figure out just what that was…I’m not wp saavy….oh my…exhale away. Tip….try standing o a chair for just 2 minutes each day. Sounds crazy but you will find inner balance as well πŸ˜‰ HUgs….H.

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  7. Oh love…I am so proud of you for for revealing your weaknesses. I am inspired by your courage. I know we’re miles apart but I have a listening ear, if ever you should need one.

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    • Thank you and thank you Kim! πŸ™‚
      You almost made me weep πŸ™‚
      I’m never afraid of showing my feelings. I’m the kind of person that if I feel bad and you meet me on the street and ask: How are you? I will tell you EXACTLY how I aml πŸ™‚ (You should see their reactions!! I guess some are not ready for so much honesty πŸ˜€

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  8. So glad you’re my Twin P
    I love you! πŸ™‚ You’re human, frustrations build, you have so much on you and the expectations you put on yourself are high. Hug and kiss your daughter explain what she did and why you said what you did. Let her know if was not your heart talking and share with her what’s in your heart, how much you love her. Then you can reinforce the importance of listening to you because you have to see about the safety her siblings. You are a great mother, everyone loses their cool. You should have been around my house the past couple of days. Pain and pleasant words don’t mix well.
    You need some sleep, a good night sleep not 5 hours, you’re running on empty. You’re exhausted from working non stop on the house, getting the kids in school, adjusting parenting schedules and living in a new town. It’s cold and darker longer which can effect the mood.
    Take it easy on yourself. There are people who care for you just the way you are and here for you when you need a friend or a twin.
    Your honest post help other people, you say what others won’t and it helps bring others relief. Don’t stop being yourself for one minute.
    You know my number, you call when you think you’re going crazy or want to cry. I feel your pain to.
    Sending good thoughts Twin M

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    • Hola Lovely Twin!
      I love you too! πŸ™‚
      I keep explaining it to them but I guess they will get it when the time is right πŸ™‚
      I’m still exhausted but feeling much better than yesterday. I hope it stays this way πŸ™‚
      Thank you for your beautiful words πŸ™‚ (The only thing that worries me is that you were up LATE!! I guess it’s because you couldn’t wait to write your post (I still didn’t check but I bet one boob I’ll find it πŸ˜€ (now I wonder what I’ll do with the third boob… I guess I’ll attach it on my back to give the next victim extra entertainment when he hugs me :).
      hugs
      Sleepy Twin P

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      • My bedtime is 10:00 PM, it’s 4;30AM, looks like I missed it. i can’t sleep. I have edema so bad I feel like the dough boy! I probably have 30-40 pounds of water weight on me. It’s causing my heart to work extra and causing chest pain. Nothing new, I went threw this when my heart problems started. It’s hard to sleep when everything hurts. Touching anywhere on your body hurts. I see the Cardiologist next week and will get some meds for this. I don’t like him so we’ll see if third time is a charm. My Lyme doctor wants me to see him. Did you get the photos I sent via my phone today? The meds, dogs and Christmas tree?

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      • Hi Twin,
        I’m sorry you can’t sleep! Tell the cardiologist: I don’t like you, either you are nicer to me or I’ll look for another doctor. He always gives bad news so he should be able to handle receiving the bad news.
        I didn’t get any email from you!! Can you see if you still have it on the sent folder? maybe you can resend it.
        I’m late today, I have to finish dinner and write my post… I had to go to pick Stefano from kindergarten because he wasn’t well, I lost half morning!. (the other half I decided to stay in bed watching the ceiling). Almost noon here and nothing got done!! πŸ™‚

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      • That’s ok sometimes, ceilings look nice.

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      • They do πŸ˜€ (if I turn on the lights I love it. But I was too lazy to move so it was plain and white :))
        Feeling any better?
        hugs!

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      • If I lie to myself I feel great! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hahahaha!
        Keep lying to yourself but not to me!! I didn’t get any picture yet. I’ll let you know if I do. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • Maybe phone has a problem sending I’ll have to see when I’m not seeing double

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      • It’s ok Twin!!
        Don’t get dizzy watching the small letters πŸ™‚
        I hope you get sleepy soon.
        Good vibes to you πŸ™‚

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      • I just sent photo of Shaggy, Cardinal ornament, and meds all sent from phone. Let me know if you don’t get. No hurry just when you have a minute.

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      • nothing yet

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  9. I’m not sure what your daughter did. Crossed the street in a dangerous way?

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