100

Friday. And 100 days since I’m officially living here. I can’t believe it. This was never in my plans. Nothing is ever in my plans. My life is an improvisation. It doesn’t matter if I plan something, I’m sure it’ll go in a different way. I can only adapt and keep adapting. Am I happy about that? I can’t really say, it’s all I know. Bad choices, bad outcomes. Good choices, bad outcomes. Terrible choices, acceptable outcomes (sometimes). At least I can still choose. I just don’t know what tomorrow will bring, nobody knows.
Yesterday I ended up drinking wine alone. Today is not much better but at least my kids are not here this morning.
I’m stressed. Too stressed. My nose was bleeding earlier. I think I felt when something in my head clicked while I was shouting at my kids because they were in the bathroom with me. Some days I don’t mind. Other days I just want to be three minutes alone.
I sent my son to the supermarket. I wrote a list. Only 4 items. He forgot the list so he forgot to buy the bread. If I don’t go to the supermarket today, I’ll be serving dry leaves soup with 2 onions. And no bread, I don’t feel like baking.

I spent 20 minutes trying to fix my oldest son’s bike this morning. Meanwhile my two youngest kids were freezing and crying. I couldn’t do it and I said to my son to take the bus. I went to bring my kids to the kindergarten and when I got back, my son was almost frozen and still waiting for the bus. We ended up walking back home and again me trying to fix the stupid chain. I managed finally. I look like a mechanic now. Many little things pile up and I can’t deal with them.

Freaking cable guy never answered and I just got an email from the cable company asking me to take a satisfaction survey, I graded twice 0 (scale from 10 (excellent) to 0 (would never recommend)). And in the part asking me why, I was MEAN. I think that having my period helped to express how UNHAPPY I AM WITH THE SERVICE. I hope that someone actually reads it.

And this is not how my Friday is supposed to be. I should be dreaming and smiling (or folding the wash and loading the dishwasher). Not only frustrated and feeling powerless.

Did I ever write that the only purpose in my life is to find the greatest love? I won’t say I think I deserve it. Because it’s not that way. I don’t think it. I KNOW, I deserve it. I never asked to be rich, I don’t give a shit about money (I hate that I need to have it or nothing happens around, so just enough it’s ok). I never cared for clothes or shoes or cars or make up or perfumes. I always wanted to be happy. And have a happy and healthy family. But most of all, I want my LOVE. It’s not a caprice, it’s a need. My life is getting wasted. I’m aimless. I lost my sparkle. I love my kids but I need the other kind of love. The one that brings my heart against the chest wall. The one that makes my eyes shine. The one that keeps my spine warm and gives me the mischievous smile.
I miss that. And I can’t miss it any longer because my system is failing. I’m love powered.

It’s Friday and I have no choice, I have to be in love. I chose a song that can make me cry on a day like today so I’ll be fooling myself and dreaming that I finally found the love I deserve. Ladies and Gentlemen, please listen to Phil Collins,

Groovy Kind of Love
(written by: Carole Sager & Toni Wine)

When I’m feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I’m not so blue
When you’re close to me, I can feel your heart beat
I can hear you breathing in my ear

Wouldn’t you agree
Baby, you and me
We’ve got a groovy kind of love

Anytime you want to, you can turn me onto
Anything you want to, anytime at all
When I kiss your lips, ooh, I start to shiver
Can’t control the quivering inside

Wouldn’t you agree
Baby, you and me
We’ve got a groovy kind of love, oh

When I’m feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I’m not so blue
When I’m in your arms, nothing seems to matter
My whole world could shatter, I don’t care

Wouldn’t you agree
Baby, you and me
We’ve got a groovy kind of love

We got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love, oh
We’ve got a groovy kind of love

source: metrolyrics.com

~ by DotedOn on December 5, 2014.