189

189

Wednesday. I’m on the couch with my mom watching her soap opera. She watches it online every day and some times, I watch it too. It’s the first time she takes a break during the day and that is because the entire house is spotless and all the things that needed to be fixed, are fixed. Tomorrow my dad gets here. I’m not sure what the plans are but I guess I’ll have even less time than now.
Catching up reading is almost impossible. Guilt is big.

I continue writing about why some single women choose married men (or in a relationship). No theory today though. I’ll write an example. My own experience. I can be counted as one of those women. I’m not really proud of it.
I wrote this before but I’ll tell the little story again and I will add how I felt at the time and why I did it.

Many years ago, while on holidays with my parents, I met a man and I liked him immediately. Not long after, I discovered that the guy was on holidays with the girlfriend and that they were staying at the same hotel complex we were.
When I like someone, I can’t hide it. I try to, but I rarely succeed. You can see my smile, the light in my eyes, the way I look at that person, etc. etc..
For you to have an idea, it’s like I have a sign on my forehead saying: “TAKE ME, I’M YOURS!”

takeme

So it seems that I looked at this man a lot (with my sign on) because it didn’t take much time for him to come and talk to me. That was the first step of a very long walk.
At the time, I didn’t care that he had a girlfriend. I thought: “If he doesn’t care, why should I care?”. I know, I was very selfish.
I wish I could say that the story ended there. It didn’t.
That man made quite an impression in my life and I could never forget him. So when technology allowed it, I looked for him until I found him. Then I contacted him AND I even went to another country to meet him. Was he single then? NO!!

Why did I do that again knowing that if I were the girlfriend/wife, I would be devastated if my man goes with another woman?
What can I say? I kept telling excuses to myself. And when I run out of excuses, the few friends who knew about it, added some excuses for me. Which it was nice, I could share the guilt.

What did I do it the second time? I swear I believed what he said. He said he loved me. He said he was looking for me too, that he could never forget me.
Why would someone said those things if they didn’t mean them? It puzzles me. It really puzzles me. He knew I was going to meet him anyway, why all the crap? If he loved me 20 years ago (as he said he did), and he still loved me the last time we met last year, why in heaven he stayed with his woman and didn’t go after me? He said he thought about it. He also said he was going to take care of me and my kids. And I believe him.

I know I’m not a saint.
I know I could lie and pretend to be someone I’m not.
I know I’ll be judged.
I know that if someone cheats on me I don’t think I can forgive.
And still, I broke all the rules and did what I did.
I’m not a bad person and I did some (many) stupid things. And trust me, I knew better, it was my choice. Once and again I chose the guy who wasn’t mine.
Why?
Because I believe in fairy tales. I still think the man could leave the wife for me if he loves me. And he said he loved me.

I’m in desperate need of a Love Detector.

love detector

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~ by DotedOn on March 4, 2015.

10 Responses to “189”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.

    Like

  2. Oh, a sad story indeed but I get it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think to share these things about your life so honestly and out in the open begins to point to the romantic heart that fuels your life. It’s not wrong to love and want to be loved and sometimes this can lead to choices that in time prove not to be good ones. I think at times a man can feel conflicted between the duty he feels to one woman and the love he feels for another. No matter the rules of religions and societies, the heart will always chose it’s own path. That’s not to say the heart is wise only driven by a need to be loved and wanted by someone and at times, anyone. Save your love for someone that won’t be conflicted by it. Wait for the one that can accept your love and return it tenfold.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you!! And I wish I could know who truly loves me so I can save my love for them!
      I’m at the point that I believe anything. Any kind word, any nice gesture and I really can’t think from where it’s coming. I don’t like to be heartbroken but if I don’t risk, I may lose my only chance! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Crazy Twin P
    Quit thinking to much and plan fun outings for your parents. Much less heartache that way. Scarf mailed on Monday. I can’t wait till you see it. We’ll have to post matching photos.
    Sad Twin M

    Liked by 1 person

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