Saturday. I had another terrible night. I spent a few hours awake, this time not inspired at all. I’m worried. The driving lessons and the residence permit are taking too much space in my mind. And my mind is already full by nature. It’s so hard to think or concentrate. I can’t wait to have that ready and relax.
The other night when I couldn’t sleep, I tried to figure a few things out. Like, why when I’m in love, I do stupid things? I really want to understand the way I act because most of the times, nothing makes sense.
So I tried to remember how things were when I was a child. I didn’t like boys. They were nice but I couldn’t have a romantic feeling until I was around 14.
After that, I couldn’t stop having a romantic feeling and that pretty much continued to the day.
More or less, once I boarded the train of: “I like boys”, I didn’t step out. I don’t think there was a moment in this past 29 years where I didn’t like someone.
One example:
“Mom, if Gonzalo calls, tell him… (sighting, smiling, dreaming and batting my eyelashes non-stop”)
Two weeks later if Gonzalo was out of the picture I would say:
“Mom, if Rodrigo calls, tell him… (sighting, smiling, dreaming and batting my eyelashes non-stop”)
A couple of days later if I didn’t succeed on my conquest.
“Mom, if Christian calls tell him… (sighting, smiling, dreaming and batting my eyelashes non-stop”)
“Hold on a second, and if Gonzalo or Rodrigo call? I don’t think they’ll call, but if they do, I’ll take the phone call, of course”
My mom got used to my constant being in love with someone. I used to draw hearts, practice signatures with the guy’s name, think which names for boys (because I had already decided I was going to have 4 boys), were nice with the guy’s last name, etc etc…
I was not like my sister. She liked one guy for months or even years. I only like my boyfriends for that long. I used to be very practical in that area. No luck, move on. No time to lose.

So now that I’m 43, things didn’t get much different. Nobody calls me and if someone writes me, I’m the one that has to handle it. Which is good because I guess it would be hard to explain my kids my way of feeling. But I still need someone to make me dream. And I rarely practice the signature (yes, rarely, I still do it sometimes). What I don’t do is think about boy’s names. That was replaced by dog’s names.

Summing up, I need that feeling of liking/loving someone constantly. I’m love powered. No love, no smile. No reason to go on. No light on my way. No smell in my roses.
No love, total emptiness.
I need love.



~ by DotedOn on March 7, 2015.

26 Responses to “192”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.


  2. Sometimes I wonder “Is it just too much to ask for?” It is like air, so why can’t it come just as easily 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ll fine that love, Paola. It will happen. It’s one of those rare things that we shouldn’t focus on. Go on with life and it will wash over you when you don’t expect it, in places you weren’t looking for it. In the meantime, I hope that you enjoy this song:

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I just read a book with such a poignant quote about women and their capacity to love. This post reminded me of it. I’m the same as you although I think I may have started in preschool.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. i am so similar.. i was a bit younger than you when i fell in love for the first time. but it never stopped. and now it has just stopped because i am not around human beings πŸ˜› but this is also why i am scared of men, coz i fall in love, hopelessly, and i dream, and then *bom* i am not what he wanted after all… so better for me to stay out of humans, and just be a mum! For now at least ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Don’t know if it ever ends, Paola-that elusive search for true love. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Lonely Twin P
    You were unhappy for a long time in your previous relationship and now since leaving. That’s many years without the fire in your heart. Your smart, know you can’t rush or make happen or may get worse than last. Remember the plan, you have to meet people where they gather, get to know the crowd, if someone catches your eye go introduce yourself. I’m 51 and my husband is the first person I’ve ever been faithful to. I’m proud of the 13 years together but if you think the fire is burning, think again. I’ve dated great guys, shy, rich, richer, ugly, smart, sexy, looked good drunk, you can pretty much name it. I realized after my divorce, cheating was self protection and some ego. I have changed a lot in 13 years and my idea of deep love, lasting love has changed. Not for one minute do I like it but I’m not a 30 year old alcoholic chasing everything looking good or for the challenge.
    Listen to your older sister, love finds us when we are ready, we have to see it, have to leave the house without five kids, don’t carry the diaper bag above all don’t believe the bullshit a man says until he’s proven himself. You don’t want to write the same post 10 years from now. Stop trying to rush it. You are beautiful inside and out, a bit crazy, sex hungry, more mature with lots of responsibility. You have to put one foot in front of other and let the love/lust flow naturally.
    Lonely Twin M πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Awwww, your kids love you? Your pets love you? Who needs a man with all that lovin! :p xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Love will happen when the time is right. So when the next one coming must be amazing πŸ˜‰ All the best to you Paola! ❀

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: