213

213

Saturday. I was in denial. I had all the symptoms. I just didn’t want to be pregnant. The man was insisting every day that I should get a pregnancy test and get over with it. One day I did it. I didn’t even have to wait for the four minutes to see the result. The two red lines appeared as soon as I peed on the stick. I froze.
I sat down on the couch, stared at a lost point somewhere, and stayed there without talking for a long time.
Then I cried. “I can’t do this. Not again”
“Of course you can. And look at the bright side, you always wanted 4 kids, now you’ll have 5, more than what you wanted!”.
I hated the man at that moment. And I hated him more and more every second after that. “You were not there the last 4 times, you won’t be there this time either”.
“I’m telling you, I’ll be there this time”.
“I don’t believe you. And I don’t want this baby”
“But I want it”
“Why now? Why not before? Can you see what you are doing to me? You are always contradicting me. If I want something, you don’t want it. As soon as I say I don’t want something, then it becomes precious to you. It’s always the same”.
I knew I wasn’t going to get an abortion, but I just wished and prayed that God would make me have a miscarriage. Every day. Every single day I cried when there was no blood in my panties.

One day, my mother called me to tell me that my dear cousin who couldn’t have kids, had failed the last attempt to get pregnant and that they had decided not to try anymore because the disappointment was too painful. I felt so bad. Everything was so unfair.
I hadn’t tell my mother I was pregnant. Nobody knew it then.

The first trimester had passed and I was still pregnant. I had no choice but starting accepting that I was going to have another baby. I had to tell everyone and listen to the comments. Everybody had something to say. “Five kids? Are you insane? After your last experience, how dared you?”.
I started loving that baby.

Meanwhile, the man was going to EVERY appointment with me, that never happened before. That pissed me off even more. I really didn’t want to see him there. Or anywhere. I hated the part that it was enough for him to know that I didn’t want something so he started wanting that same thing more and more.

In May 2012 I was dressing up and I have no idea how, a muscle/tendon twisted. I couldn’t walk anymore. I couldn’t do anything. I had to depend on the man and people who knew me to do some things. Like picking the kids from school or shopping for groceries. I didn’t like asking for help.

One day the man came with the idea to go to Italy to see his parents. Shit. I couldn’t escape that one so I said: “On one condition. We go by car and your aunt comes with us. The trip is too long and there are things I can’t do right now and that you just don’t do ever”. “OK”. Double Shit. He was supposed to say NO. I really wanted him to start a fight, say I was unreasonable and then we could stay home instead of going to his family.
The only thing in my mind was: “He’ll make sure I get exactly the opposite of what I want…” Unbelievable.

One day the man asked me if I wanted to have someone come and clean the house. I said: “No thank you. It’s very stressful for me right now, I don’t have the energy to tell them what to do or where the things are. Plus, I don’t want to spend the previous day preparing the house so they could clean it”.
He didn’t listen to me and asked someone to go and clean. That woman was a bitch. She left the vacuum cleaner on and went to the backyard to smoke. I could see AND smell that. I was pissed. I told the man: “Tell her not to come anymore”. He didn’t do it. Not only that, he stayed every time until midnight preparing the house for that woman so she could clean the day after. He never ever helped me cleaning but he was doing that for her. I was pissed beyond limits.
The next time she came, she cleaned the floor with CIF (I hope you all understand what that is).

cif-cream

When I got downstairs later that day and saw all the marks on the floor, my blood pressure went up. I couldn’t walk, I could barely move, but I took a bucket and a cloth and started cleaning the floor and swearing like a sailor. “Please tell Freaking Cinderella not to come anymore!! You are paying her to let the vacuum cleaner on and smoke outside. And did you see the mess she made on the floor? Even a 3 years old knows that CIF is not meant to clean the floor!!”. I was MAD at the man and I was highly hormonal. (Read mean).
And it got even worse when a couple of days later he told me that he hadn’t fired her and that she was going to come next day.
“So this is how it’s going to be? You’ll spend your life making mine miserable? You’ll wait until I say no to say yes and so on?”

At the time, I started playing Word With Friends. I couldn’t do much more. I started a random game and I got match with a man. He made me smile. He made me feel pretty. I didn’t have that in a very long time. Playing with him was the best part of the day.

Next time Cinderella was at my house, I said to her: “This time, please, don’t use CIF to clean the floor, it took me hours the remove the white stripes”
“What do you want Missy?”.
She f*&cking called me Missy!!! I could have hit her on the face.
I told the man about it and I hoped for some understanding. Instead of that, we got into a fight and he called me “useless”.
I was speechless. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I only thought: “You are going to pay for that”.

June 2012. We went to Italy. I didn’t want to talk to him or his family. I had the perfect excuse. I was pregnant, tired and I couldn’t walk. I spent hours alone laying down and went very early to bed to play Words With Friends with the only person who could make me smile.
The man was happy because I wasn’t nagging I guess. He stayed every night until after 2.00am talking with his dad. One day he said: “You are being very nice to me, thank you for allowing me to have time with my parents”.
I was thinking: “I’m ignoring you and your family, it’s like if I’m not here. But I can clearly see now how important I am to you.” I kept that one for me.
A few days later he said: “Shit, I think I’m using your toothbrush”
I replied: “Isn’t it great that we are sharing something?”

IMG_0696

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~ by DotedOn on March 28, 2015.

21 Responses to “213”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.

    Like

  2. Oh goodness. When I hear these stories I just get so frustrated on your behalf. Glad you made it through.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can’t imagine the blood pressure that comes after having to clean up after the person paid to clean. I get high blood pressure just cleaning up after myself. I work for an hour and clean for 3.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Twin P
    No surprise on the post about the man. Good ridden, if he has another to control maybe he’l get off your back. Don’t let him treat you like that now. If he can’t talk in a normal tone and not fuming in anger you’ll talk, he acts like before, I don’t make sense I haven’t sleep in two nights at all. I’m thinking of a nap. I got so worked up, the stress has my body broken out in a rash. It’s hard to sleep when you it itch and burn. Someday I’ll be normal again and we can hit the bucket list.
    M

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Memories don’t all fade away, do they? Especially when they aren’t good memories. I know that feeling of things not working out with the spouse and then you get pregnant–hell!!! Makes for a long pregnancy. What a tough time for you Paola. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  6. i cant believe you stayed for so long, you are a truly strong woman! and such a beautiful picture ❀

    Like

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