Sunday. Last chapter. September 2012. I was terrified of delivering my baby. I couldn’t stop thinking about the last experience. I explained my fears to the midwife and said I’d love to have a c-section as soon as possible because I didn’t feel I could go through another delivery.
They said unless there was a medical reason, that was out of the question. I insisted saying it was MY BODY, MY CHOICE. “No, we are sorry, it doesn’t work like that here”.
As the due date approached, I felt more restless. I wasn’t sleeping at all. I couldn’t believe I couldn’t choose what to do with my body. Someone told me: “Go and deliver in Germany”.
“Really? I could get a c-section in Germany?”
“Of course, if that’s your wish”.
I couldn’t stop smiling. I called the man and I said: “Please drive me to Germany, they’ll let me have a c-section if I want to. And I really really really want to”.
“No way, I don’t want that, it’s not natural”
“My body, my choice”
“My baby, my choice”
“Come on!! I could have died last time, please don’t make me go through hell again. I don’t want 5 kids without a mother”.

He didn’t take me to Germany. I was overdue. I begged the doctor for a c-section. She made me believe I could get one if my baby wasn’t born in the next couple of days. I went to see her again but then she said: You’ll get the c-section if after we induce you, nothing happens. “Please, not again”.

To make the matters worse, we still didn’t have the name for my son. The man didn’t like the name I liked. “For God’s sake pick a name because if I don’t feel I have everything ready, this baby will not be born. It’s called nesting. I want my nest ready”.
He didn’t pick a name.

I was really sad. The only thing that kept me going was my Words With Friends’ friend. He was there for me every day. Making me feel good. I couldn’t help thinking: “I deserve better. The man will never make me happy. This has to stop”.

Since I had no choice, I made an appointment for the following day to have an induction. I had to be at the hospital at 7.00am. At 7.00am I was still in my bed crying.
On the way to the hospital I said: “I want you to know that I HATE THIS PLACE AND ALL IT’S PEOPLE… And it’s not because I’m hormonal, it’s because they could help me but they choose not to do it, and you became one of them. And we are naming this boy Stefano. Like my brother and every first born boy in my family. I don’t give a shit if you don’t like it. You had enough time to choose and you didn’t”.

th (2)

We got to the hospital just before the change of shifts. The nice doctor who tried to break my membranes left and the new doctor came to my room to introduce himself. So imagine now my face when I had to shake the rapist doctor’s hand. I started crying. I felt I was “cagada por los perros” (pooped/shat/defecated by dogs. Argentinian slang for “I have the worse luck in the world”).

“I was going to tell you that I liked the other name you had chosen for the baby. I truly dislike Stefano”.
“That’s too bad. Stefano it is”.

I said earlier that the nice doctor “tried to break my membranes” because for some reason, the intern membrane didn’t break and it had to be done again. A student doctor (girl) came in the room and said she was going to take care of things because the rapist doctor had an emergency. I kind of smiled. My smile disappeared as soon as she inserted her unexperienced hand in me. I screamed, I cried, I begged her to stop. She stopped. I was shaking. All the bad memories were back and I was crying. She waited a bit more until she didn’t have any more patience and went further to break the membrane. I shouted at her and expected the man to support me but he just looked at me like if I were crazy.

Soon I was fully dilated but I didn’t have the reflex to push. My baby’s heartbeat was getting weak. The doctor decided I needed to get some hormones to help me push. A nurse came and tried to inject me the hormones. She couldn’t find my veins. She kept trying with the needle but she didn’t succeed. I must have passed out. Later the man told me that the nurse was playing with my veins and saying: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, sorry”, but that at one point he stopped looking because he was about to faint. I had my left forearm all bruised. Then another nurse came and put the needle in my right arm.

After half an hour, my contractions started. I was in terrible pain. I started pushing but Stefano wouldn’t come out. Then the student doctor left the room. Once more I felt like the baby was coming so I called her. She put on the gloves again. I tried to push but nothing happened. The doctor removed the gloves and left. I was desperate. Crying. I begged the man to call Stefano so he would come out. I had heard that sometimes if you call the baby, the baby comes.
“I don’t like the name”
“I beg you, please, call him… I’m dying here”.
He didn’t call him.

I felt like pushing again. I called the doctor. She came and put on the gloves. But Stefano had no intention to come. She lost her patience and started removing the gloves. When I saw that, I got completely out of control and pushed with all my strength until the head was out. She didn’t have any choice but to put the gloves back on and help me.
She didn’t know what she was doing. She couldn’t remove the last part of the bed and only managed to lower it. There was not time to keep trying, I pushed once more and Stefano was born. But the stupid student doctor failed to catch him and he slip from her hands and thank goodness he fell on the lowered part of the bed instead of the floor. I could have died in that moment.

th (3)

One minute after, Stefano was with me. I couldn’t believe how perfect he was. I said to him: “I hope one day you forgive me”.

Next day I was home. I finished breast feeding and suddenly Stefano stopped breathing and turned purple. I started shouting at my mom. She took Stefano and started shaking him. I was begging God not to take him from me. I called the man crying, he had gone to the supermarket: “Please, come here, Stefano is not breathing”. When he got home, Stefano was breathing and everything was back to normal. “See, nothing happened, you always overreact”.
I couldn’t stop crying.

A few days later, my father arrived and the man said he was going to drive us to town. We got into a fight and he changed his mind: “Take the bus or even better, stop being so useless and get a driver’s license”.
On the way to town while on the bus I said to my mom: “That was the last time he called me useless”.
I left him the week after.


I love that boy with all my heart.


~ by DotedOn on March 29, 2015.

14 Responses to “214”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.


  2. Well, he certainly is adorable. When I had my first, they induced after a week. A few years later when I had my second, the induced as soon as I was past my due date. Seems much more humane.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The child and father don’t know the suffering of the mother. It’s what makes a mother the foundation of humanity.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Twin P
    The asshole manchild did not deserve you or the beautiful five kids. His loss.
    Twin M

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can imagine how painful it was to go through all of these, but at least Stefano is a handsome and adorable boy who I believe no one can resist loving him. Gorgeous mother and a cute son! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. your boy is so cute, as i bet all your kids are ❤ and i am so happy you left that sucker!! High five to you, over and over and over again!

    Liked by 1 person

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