236

236

Monday. I still dislike Mondays deeply. No exception today. I’m still a bit down. I’m glad at least it’s not raining.
The ugliest part of being alone, it’s when you really need a hug and there is nobody there to give it to you. And the ugliest part of feeling lonely is when you are surrounded by people and still, there is nobody there to hug you.
I had a superpower once. Invisibility. The crappy thing was that I was invisible only to one person. To the only person I really wanted to be visible.
The worse part was that I didn’t see that. It took me years to realize that he didn’t see me. That he had an image of me that was far from the real one.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s because I’m a dreamer. But, when you love someone, REALLY love someone, would you change anything about that person? Or ask him/her to change?
Not me. Changing the tiniest thing would mean changing the person. The person I love. Whom I love EXACTLY the way it is.

One day, one week before I left the man, I was in the car with him, my kids and my parents. The man picked the subject of talking about me and how I was. Imagine… Telling my parents how I was!! To the point that my parents stopped him and asked: “Are we talking about the same Paola? You are WRONG!”. I said: “It’s useless to contradict him, he sees this image of me that is not me, at all”.
To start, I’m not a quitter. If I leave something undone, it doesn’t mean I’m a quitter. It means that the thing I decided not to finish, doesn’t enthusiasm me anymore. So I ask myself: “Should I do this that I don’t want, or I better do something that makes me happy?”.
So for the man I was a quitter for not finishing my crafts. And I was also useless because I didn’t drive. He believed that I could only be happy if I did what he wanted me to do.

You know those persons that reflect all their faults and mistakes on you? They are exhausting.
Someone who sees only the one thing you didn’t do and misses all the other things that you did just to please him/her? That is exhausting too.
Someone who calls you names… That just hurts. And when you beg him/her to stop because you don’t like to be hurt but he/she decides that those are “only words” and uses them again… Well. Enough is enough… I knew I made my bed but…

To the one who came up with: “You made the bed, now lie on it”, I’d like to say that he/she can choose to make the bed again. Life is too short to lie on a bad made bed, specially if you get the chance to fix it or make it again.
Conformists are just pleasing the ones who judge. And who wants to live in a world like that. Not me.

My great grandmother used to say: “If you cut my arm, don’t bother trying to glue it back. It won’t be the same. And it’ll be always broken”. My mom kept telling that to us when we were kids. Maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to hurt someone. I know I can do it pretty good, I did it a few times when I was pushed to the limit. But I know better and I choose not to hurt.
See? It’s just a matter of choices.
We KNOW what could happen if we say/do something that could hurt. And if still we choose to do it, that says a lot about us.

Angel at http://armyofangels2013.wordpress.com wrote this post a few days ago. She added the images below and the one on top reminded me of how many times I heard my mom saying: “If you cut my arm…” She didn’t need to say more. She just stopped there and let us think of the consequences before we even had the chance to act.

Screen Shot 2015-04-18 at 4.44.32 PM

On Angel’s post, both images were together. I decided to cut them because I wanted to add that it’s taking a lot of gold and silver to fix the cracks the man and other few suckers made on me. I feel so broken sometimes.

Screen Shot 2015-04-18 at 4.44.49 PM

I’m still me, I’m not sure I’m more beautiful with all this gold and silver around. I can only say I understood that people rarely/never change and if we don’t accept someone the way they are, we better go and look for someone else.
No need to hurt or want something that the person will never give or offer.
It’s just a matter of choices.

~ by DotedOn on April 20, 2015.

23 Responses to “236”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.

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  2. Yes i know what you mean, I have had certain points in my life with heartbreak, and it does seem to force me to change. And i think, could i have done with out all this pain… and for me, I personally think yes? Or um, also, could I have lived and been happier to have the person I love actually feel similar, or not somehow get stuck in some terrible situation because I have feelings.
    I mean, an ex of mine, who I had personally broke their heart in a similar and tragic way, later would say that they appreciate it now, because they changed because of that and they wouldn’t otherwise.
    But still I don’t see it. I would rather if relationships went better and did not hurt so much.

    And I don’t think it is the aspect of a person that hurts another that is what I love, that if they changed and were like, minus the hurting me part, I would be okay with that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment šŸ™‚
      You and your ex are right, we kind of change after a breakup, but mostly it’s our choice, like we feel we need to be more careful next time.
      And anything minus the hurting part, is good šŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wise and reflective words, P.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am here to give you a hug!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think a lot of relationships start by each person seeing the other as their ideal. Then, as the relationship progresses, they see this isn’t so. The success of the relationship is dependent on how much they vary from each other’s ideal. I do think people have to change a bit in order to make a relationship work, but not to a point that they become someone they are not.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. “Conformists are just pleasing the ones who judge.”. I love that. And you’re right – who wants to live in that world? Not me. To expound on Marissa’s point – I think that not only do people see each other as being ideal at first, they sometimes make the mistake of thinking that they can change what they don’t like in the other person.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. you are so beautiful! I love how you wrote this post and it helped me too in some strange way ā¤ thank you for sharing ā¤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Big internet hugs, for whatever they’re worth.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I narrowly escaped marrying a really controlling guy. He had shown signs of abuse (even violence) but what sealed it for me, was when he corrected how I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The jealousy and insecurities were one thing, but I just couldn’t imagine being undermined for every little thing, for the rest of my life. Soooo many hugs to you, P. You are beautiful, creative, funny and smart.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You have a very wise mother and grandmother and so do you Paola!!! ā¤ Big thumbs up to you all! The man should never try to change you. Just be who you are and do what you love sweetie! šŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Its just a matter of choices…truer words never spoken. Your great grandmother was a wise woman. XX

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