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Wednesday. I’m lost for words. Or overwhelmed by them. It’s hard to explain. I woke up this morning, or better said, I woke up this night, or I never slept. I don’t know anymore. I truly don’t remember. I’m exhausted. I only know that I was cold and I felt empty.
I took my kids to school and cried on the way. When I got home, the owner of the house was waiting to cut the fallen three. While he was trying to make the chainsaw work, he asked me if I was happy living here. He asked me if the man was also happy here. Perfect. I finally had the chance to tell him we are not longer together, I was freezing but I didn’t want to miss that opportunity (more than 7 months waiting for the right time).
He was shocked, in a way. Because I guess he kind of suspected that when he came every time here and saw me alone and doing the “men work”. The only thing he said was: “Strange… You looked so happy the day you signed the contract”.
“I was!! I was finally out of his house”.
I think I have to learn to be a bit more tactful. But that is like being less honest. And that is like asking a dog to be a turtle.

Completely frozen, I entered the house to make a cup of tea and I found 2 messages from the man. He still wanted to talk. We talked, video chat because he needs to see my face when we talk.
He wrote a letter for me and sent it to my e-mail while we were talking. When we said bye, I read that letter once.
He wrote it in English. He didn’t know if he really wanted me to read it… If not, he was going to post it in his blog. He writes (or used to write) too.
He wrote it with so many metaphors that if I was lost or overwhelmed, now I’m in limbo with a headache. Please pass me a freaking compass or I’ll puke.
Maybe I’ll post the letter one of these days… But I don’t know if that would be mean. But I really need to understand what he meant, without asking him.

Anyway, just have an idea of how I feel today.

I’m afraid to talk… Because I know that whatever I’m feeling right now could hurt someone.
I don’t want to listen… Because I know that more words will mean more thoughts in my head.
I don’t need to see… I think I saw enough. What I don’t see, it doesn’t hurt me.
The only problem now is that I can still think. And dream. And expect. And I shouldn’t expect anything, because if I do, I may be disappointed.

Are dreams expectations? If they are, I’m so fu$%ed up.

Someone very important to me is going through a really hard time. From here, I can’t do anything to help him. I don’t have the words to express what I want to say. Those are the kind of things that you say to someone with a hug.
I can only say I wish I could be there with him, comforting him and telling him: “Everything is going to be alright now”. Have faith. Believe. Wait. I promise, “Everything is going to be alright now”.

Crap, this is just another bad day.
I need to ask for something and I need to say something. But it’s not my place or my right to do it. And it’s so hard to stay mute. And it’s so hard to keep my eyes closed. And it’s so hard to listen what I really don’t want to hear. And keeping all this for me, it’s killing me!!

Let’s see for how long this dog can be a turtle.

~ by DotedOn on April 22, 2015.