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Mug shot Tuesday. Yes. I’m still lost. I’ll find my way eventually (I hope).
I don’t know how to put this. Some times, many, many, many times, I feel like a lousy mother. I swear I do my best. That is, the best according to me, which of course, it can be questionable. I have my own ideas about parenthood and I discovered that not many parents agree with me.
For example: I was never one of those parents who helped their kids climb on a chair or on the slide. I let them do it themselves. I knew that if they couldn’t do it, they were going to ask for help.
Was there a chance that my kids fell down and hurt themselves? Of course!! But if you ask me, I say: And how many times do you think they will fall? Maybe only once because after that, they’ll learn to be more careful.
See what I mean? Ok. I’m stubborn and it didn’t matter to me how many times someone said that something was dangerous or bad. I NEEDED to see it for myself. So what I’m doing now is trying to let my kids explore everything. Of course I tell them things are dangerous or bad, but I don’t go and blow the birthday candles for them to prevent them from getting burned.

A few months ago I bought fireworks for my kids. I said to them that those were for New Year’s Eve. A couple of days before New Year we were having dinner and I decided to have a glass of beer. Then one of my kids asked me: “Can we light a few fireworks after dinner?”
Then we finished eating and while I was clearing the table I heard one of my sons saying to the other one: “Mom is so cool when she’s drunk!!”.
WTF!! I had ONLY ONE GLASS OF BEER!! I’m not sure the kind of message I gave to my kids but I believe it was the wrong one.
I said yes to the fireworks because I feel bad about saying NO all the time. That’s called guilt. Guilt for so many things.

This past weekend I didn’t feel well. On Saturday I was very down so I sent my kids to the supermarket to get frozen pizzas. They also got some soda and we watched a movie while eating.
On Sunday, I prepared dinner even though I felt terrible and I only wanted to cry and sleep. My kids saw me crying a few times. I hated it. That made me feel even worse so I allowed them to have dinner again while watching TV.
So the message I gave to them was pretty much like: “Mom is so cool when she’s depressed!!”

Being a parent is really difficult. I struggle every single day. I want to be nice but I want my kids to listen to me. Finding the balance is hard.
I have to admit that they were nice over the weekend. My oldest son hugged me every time he saw me sad. I think it’s because I trusted him and told him why I was hurting. I wish I could tell all of them what my problems are. Maybe one day.
Now they are too young and need to be protected. And I have to be protected. I don’t want my kids going to the dad and telling everything about me. A couple of them already do it and I don’t like it. I’m vulnerable and I don’t care if most people can see it. I just don’t want the wrong people to see it.


~ by DotedOn on May 19, 2015.

16 Responses to “265”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.


  2. good morning, Paola. I also say yes, not to say no all the time. It’s more comfortable for us! You’re a great mom! It’s important that all of you understand well how important it is to protect and to be protected – to read those moments might be the key for a great balance and kids can realize when they need to be protected and when they have to protect – it’s up to us to teach them that and I’m sure you’re doing it! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good afternoon José 🙂 And thank you!! I’m not sure I’m great but being good sometimes is nice 🙂
      It’s very important to create that balance, and so difficult sometimes! 🙂


  3. I know what you mean. I dont like being vulnerable in front of certain people either. Sending you hugs ❤ xo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There’s no manual to raising kids, and we all do our best. Like anything else, we often look back to see what we could have done differently. It’s part of the learning process. Just keep doing what you’re doing – your children will be just fine. You’re a great mom.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kids might form their own ideas and opinions and what can you really do to stop them? You just show them you love them and hope everything else falls into place.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I also think children need to learn by doing. We learn best by experience and least by lecture. A child that learns how to solve complex problems on their own or in a group dynamic will grow to lead and prosper while everyone else will struggle with daily life and continue to build their emotional debt. Accomplishment during the greatest moments of distress is where we find humankind’s greatest attributes. It is not easy. It never was.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. P
    Hugs! Rough couple of days here and I’m up to late again. You have your hands full. Their are no rules, and no perfect parent. I would talk with your boys saying you were drunk. Do they associate being drunk with overtime you drink? I know they were excited but the comment would stay with me.
    You’re a good mother, you are to busy kicking yourself in the ass.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry Twin. Keep resting. And when you have enough energy, feel free to talk to my boys (and girl, she’s quite a piece you know!!).
      I think they think that I’m drunk after the second sip (pretty much how it is by the way :D).
      many hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

      • You let them know I’m not their mother and have no problems with discipline, love, tough love, say no, saying hell no and chatting with them. I have some mom training. Before I met David I dated a guy with a 3 yr old, she stayed every weekend. I play games with her till I went crossed eyed. I loved being around her and I felt like her mother, her dad would be at work, I had to discipline her. She would pout, sometimes cry but not for long. She knew the rules at my house and if with me,, she had to mind me. Of course getting across the pond to Germany would be impossible.
        I’ll send good karma your way.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Keep sending good karma! 🙂
        They’ll go today with the man and be back on Tuesday… I will enjoy the silence and peace (or try to, I’m behind with everything!!)

        Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t know when I’ll ever catch up. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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