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Mug shot Tuesday. Yes. I’m still lost. I’ll find my way eventually (I hope).
I don’t know how to put this. Some times, many, many, many times, I feel like a lousy mother. I swear I do my best. That is, the best according to me, which of course, it can be questionable. I have my own ideas about parenthood and I discovered that not many parents agree with me.
For example: I was never one of those parents who helped their kids climb on a chair or on the slide. I let them do it themselves. I knew that if they couldn’t do it, they were going to ask for help.
Was there a chance that my kids fell down and hurt themselves? Of course!! But if you ask me, I say: And how many times do you think they will fall? Maybe only once because after that, they’ll learn to be more careful.
See what I mean? Ok. I’m stubborn and it didn’t matter to me how many times someone said that something was dangerous or bad. I NEEDED to see it for myself. So what I’m doing now is trying to let my kids explore everything. Of course I tell them things are dangerous or bad, but I don’t go and blow the birthday candles for them to prevent them from getting burned.

A few months ago I bought fireworks for my kids. I said to them that those were for New Year’s Eve. A couple of days before New Year we were having dinner and I decided to have a glass of beer. Then one of my kids asked me: “Can we light a few fireworks after dinner?”
“Sure”
Then we finished eating and while I was clearing the table I heard one of my sons saying to the other one: “Mom is so cool when she’s drunk!!”.
WTF!! I had ONLY ONE GLASS OF BEER!! I’m not sure the kind of message I gave to my kids but I believe it was the wrong one.
I said yes to the fireworks because I feel bad about saying NO all the time. That’s called guilt. Guilt for so many things.

This past weekend I didn’t feel well. On Saturday I was very down so I sent my kids to the supermarket to get frozen pizzas. They also got some soda and we watched a movie while eating.
On Sunday, I prepared dinner even though I felt terrible and I only wanted to cry and sleep. My kids saw me crying a few times. I hated it. That made me feel even worse so I allowed them to have dinner again while watching TV.
So the message I gave to them was pretty much like: “Mom is so cool when she’s depressed!!”

Being a parent is really difficult. I struggle every single day. I want to be nice but I want my kids to listen to me. Finding the balance is hard.
I have to admit that they were nice over the weekend. My oldest son hugged me every time he saw me sad. I think it’s because I trusted him and told him why I was hurting. I wish I could tell all of them what my problems are. Maybe one day.
Now they are too young and need to be protected. And I have to be protected. I don’t want my kids going to the dad and telling everything about me. A couple of them already do it and I don’t like it. I’m vulnerable and I don’t care if most people can see it. I just don’t want the wrong people to see it.

~ by DotedOn on May 19, 2015.