266

266

Wednesday. I’m a bit down today. My mom called me yesterday to tell me that my grandma had fell down on the street and that she had to be rushed to the hospital. She said she’s doing fine now but that my grandma told her that she’s feeling really weak lately. So sad.
Then I had to tell my mom not so happy news either and I ended up all worn out.
I tried to keep my mind busy and do things that mostly cheer me up but all the time the last words my mom said before we hung up were resonating in my head: “I’m telling you this, so you know”.
I also couldn’t stop thinking about this quote that Mandy at https://healingbeyondsurvival.wordpress.com posted on her blog yesterday.

lion

Is all that true? When I was really happy and smiling ALL the time, I wasn’t covering any pain or crying when nobody was around. I was really happy and smily. Now I admit I have some pain in my soul but I don’t cover it up with a smile. I cry when I have to cry and I don’t care who’s watching.
All the other times, I do what I know I can do best. That is make others laugh or smile. It’s like that’s my job in this planet. I want everyone to be happy.

I have to call my grandmother soon. I’m afraid if I don’t do it I won’t forgive myself. I’m dreading that phone call already. I know she’ll cry from the second she hears “Hola Bueli” (I call her Bueli. In spanish grandma is “abuela”. Bueli could be a short for “abuelita”, little grandma). I’m the only one calling her that way. She calls me Paoli (short of Paolita, little Paola). I feel I want to vomit now. I’m sure this time I won’t be able to make her laugh.
Crap, I’m already crying. Now it’s the time when I start pretending. Like if I could cheat myself.
I’m trying to see the glass half full.

th

But I know perfectly that keeping myself busy so I don’t think it won’t make the things that are worrying me, disappear. It’s just a survival mechanism.
It’s not like when I see I’m going down I can make some activity appear and stay busy and floating in the air. No. With me is more like I know I’m falling when the ground is one feet away.
Why should I open the parachute now? Should I touch the ground so I can bounce back? Should I let myself crash?

On the bright side. I have no idea from where I gathered the energy but I mowed the lawn. The scary mower with the cigar probably.
That’s how it was.

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And that’s how it looks like now.

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And I managed to sleep 4 straight hours. I guess I could call that a really good day.

I remember a few years ago a friend was going through a really hard time and everything was happening in the same week. It was hard to cheer her up. It was hard to talk to her and hide the tears in my eyes.
The only thing I managed to say was: “Be glad everything is happening in the same week. This way, your agony is much shorter”.
This is a bad week. I dare to say, a bad month. But I won’t allow myself to hit the ground. I’ll learn to levitate. I’ll vanish. But I’m not hitting the ground this time.

glass-half-full

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~ by DotedOn on May 20, 2015.

26 Responses to “266”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.

    Like

  2. I try not to look at the glass half full with water. I choose vodka. That way, if it is half full, I won’t know the difference once it’s gone.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. P, if you learn to levitate, will you teach me too? I am having a hard time with gravity these days and if I could levitate, life would be a lot more fun. We could become famous on YouTube if we can levitate without eating too many beans. This is for you —-> 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, not sure about that quote. I think you have to know pain to know kindness, but who doesn’t know pain. I’m sorry for your grandmother. I hope she is doing better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Flying is easy… As Douglas Adams put it, all you have to do is.. While falling, just miss the ground. Ok, so not so easy…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. T P
    I’m sorry your Grandma is going thru trauma. I pray she is up feeling like her old self. Is she in Argentina?
    As for your pain, we all feel pain multiple times. Spend you time working hard to move forward. The pain your feeling will work out as God planned.
    Focus on you moving on, if the issue is meant to be it will. I know your pain and I cried with such pain many times in my life. I’m alive today, even with an illness that taking more of my abilities every day. I have to keep telling myself, I have to work harder than ever, turn it over God. Today I’m thankful you in my life, wish I could give you a big Hug!!!!!!!
    If you haven’t been on your knees now is a good time.
    Love You
    T M

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Twin ❤
      I called her, she's better now.
      I'm moving on, or at least, trying.
      I'm thankful you are in my life too. I love you and MANY hugs to you too!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I love you and wish I could be there to help. I’ll help from here the best I can. Life will get so better, you facing a hurdle. You have overcome many difficulties in you’re life, you are stronger for the hurdles. Time will tell, you have to be strong and not give up.
        Love
        M

        Liked by 1 person

      • I won’t give up Twin 🙂
        But I need to empty my bucket before the crap reaches the edge 🙂
        I love you too!
        hugs

        Liked by 1 person

      • I understand.
        Practice on clearing your mind, light a candle and pick a place you feel calm in the house.
        We don’t know where it will go, you still have to get shit together one way or another. You don’t want things to work out and you’re a complete mess. Don’t forget what we talked about on the internet.
        One foot in front of the other. I know you’ll get the truth or not. Have to keep walking.
        Hugs
        M

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes Twin, wipe the dust and go on 🙂 ❤

        Like

      • I know it’s not easy. You are a strong woman and need confidence for the if or not. Don’t shrink, work to build yourself up. It’s a win win.
        🙂
        M

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m going through something similar. If I can make it past the tears, perhaps I’ll post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry to hear that Kim. I wrote while crying. It’s horrible. I tend to suffocate and I get desperate here not having anyone around to hug me or shake me and tell me everything is going to be alright.
      A big hug to you ❤ and I guess, it'll get better (I keep telling myself that, one day I'll probably believe it 🙂 )

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m the worst crier. I also cry until I can barely breathe and my eyes get so puffy that they weld shut. My Grandmother has dimentia and my sister has instructed me to call her. I’ve been putting it off for two weeks. My Grandma’s always been so proud and I’ve always seen her as my rock. It’s tough and I’m a chicken. She’s my last living grandparent. I know she won’t know me when I call her, and I’m terrified of that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so sorry about your grandma, Kim. You could ask D to hold your hand and make the call. There is a chance you’ll feel bad for a while, but I guess that if you don’t make the call, you could feel bad for much longer.
      If it helps, I’ll be hugging you from here ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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