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Wednesday. I’m a bit down today. My mom called me yesterday to tell me that my grandma had fell down on the street and that she had to be rushed to the hospital. She said she’s doing fine now but that my grandma told her that she’s feeling really weak lately. So sad.
Then I had to tell my mom not so happy news either and I ended up all worn out.
I tried to keep my mind busy and do things that mostly cheer me up but all the time the last words my mom said before we hung up were resonating in my head: “I’m telling you this, so you know”.
I also couldn’t stop thinking about this quote that Mandy at https://healingbeyondsurvival.wordpress.com posted on her blog yesterday.

Is all that true? When I was really happy and smiling ALL the time, I wasn’t covering any pain or crying when nobody was around. I was really happy and smily. Now I admit I have some pain in my soul but I don’t cover it up with a smile. I cry when I have to cry and I don’t care who’s watching.
All the other times, I do what I know I can do best. That is make others laugh or smile. It’s like that’s my job in this planet. I want everyone to be happy.

I have to call my grandmother soon. I’m afraid if I don’t do it I won’t forgive myself. I’m dreading that phone call already. I know she’ll cry from the second she hears “Hola Bueli” (I call her Bueli. In spanish grandma is “abuela”. Bueli could be a short for “abuelita”, little grandma). I’m the only one calling her that way. She calls me Paoli (short of Paolita, little Paola). I feel I want to vomit now. I’m sure this time I won’t be able to make her laugh.
Crap, I’m already crying. Now it’s the time when I start pretending. Like if I could cheat myself.
I’m trying to see the glass half full.

But I know perfectly that keeping myself busy so I don’t think it won’t make the things that are worrying me, disappear. It’s just a survival mechanism.
It’s not like when I see I’m going down I can make some activity appear and stay busy and floating in the air. No. With me is more like I know I’m falling when the ground is one feet away.
Why should I open the parachute now? Should I touch the ground so I can bounce back? Should I let myself crash?

On the bright side. I have no idea from where I gathered the energy but I mowed the lawn. The scary mower with the cigar probably.
That’s how it was.

And that’s how it looks like now.

And I managed to sleep 4 straight hours. I guess I could call that a really good day.

I remember a few years ago a friend was going through a really hard time and everything was happening in the same week. It was hard to cheer her up. It was hard to talk to her and hide the tears in my eyes.
The only thing I managed to say was: “Be glad everything is happening in the same week. This way, your agony is much shorter”.
This is a bad week. I dare to say, a bad month. But I won’t allow myself to hit the ground. I’ll learn to levitate. I’ll vanish. But I’m not hitting the ground this time.

~ by DotedOn on May 20, 2015.