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Sunday. The weather still sucks. On Friday evening I decided to color my hair because it’s growing at a much faster speed than the grass on my lawn. And I can assure you, if you pay close attention, you can see the grass grow.
Anyway, I was in the shower rinsing my hair and I have no idea why I started thinking about my break ups.
And how bad I had handle a few situations and how well I did it the last time when I had to leave the man.
Last year in April, I wrote about the day I left Holiday Guy… I still can’t believe how I could do something like that. I’m not writing that again, I’ll just paste it here below. (Yes, I’m still ashamed).

One Sunday, I was playing a computer game (Mahjong). I was trying to pass a level for weeks. I just couldn’t do it so I was really frustrated and kept playing because I wouldn’t let the stupid game beat me. So at one point I had to go to the bathroom and left the computer open. I probably took 2 minutes, no more, but when I got back holiday guy said with a smile: “I just finished your game”. I think I had to restrain myself from stabbing him. I started saying not really nice things to him. Shouting is more accurate…
Now I feel terrible… I can be such a bitch… The truth is that I didn’t love the guy anymore. He was always so nice that I think I took the first chance I had to leave him because otherwise I’d never would have had the guts to say to him I didn’t love him anymore… So there, not only a bitch but a coward too! What a combo… What’s wrong with me? The sparkle goes, the nice guys exhaust me, the bad guys hurt me…

I still remember the guy’s face when I said all the things I said and all the questions he asked and I really didn’t know how to answer any them. At one point I even had forgotten what I had said first. I only knew I didn’t want to say that I didn’t love him anymore because I thought I would destroy him…
And even without wanting to destroy him, I did it. And in the worst way. I had to ban myself from his town because I didn’t dare to face him or any of his friends…

Many years passed and it was the time when my relationship with the man reached the point of no return. So one day, before my youngest son was one month old, I said something like: “I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t want to share my life with you anymore. We are done”.
After that, it didn’t matter how many questions he asked. I could always say: “I don’t feel anything for you anymore”.

Nothing beats honesty. As hard as it could sound, it’s always better than any cheap excuse.

~ by DotedOn on May 31, 2015.