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Wednesday. I think I mentioned about 50 times these past weeks how cold I am. All the time I though it was only me because my kids were walking bare feet and wearing t-shirts. Yesterday my oldest son came from school and asked: “Mom, can you prepare soup today?” “Sure, are you cold?” “I’m freezing”.
Perfect for me. I love everything that is cooked in one pan.

Dinner time. Very often my kids take their electronic devices to the table and watch YouTube videos. I can’t really say much because I do it too. Mostly they watch funny things.
Yesterday my 2nd and 3rd son were playing on the Nintendo (game on pause) and my oldest son (14) was watching some guy talking about something… At one point, and of course, just when the full spoon was about to reach my mouth, I hear the guy on the video saying: “Oh man, it’s so complete that it even comes with a dildo for your mom”. I coughed and the soup flew all around. Crap. I thought it was better to pretend that I didn’t hear that, I kept eating and gave my oldest son “the look”. Apparently, I was intercepted by my second son (11): “Mom, a dildo, is a plastic dick?”.
Oh fuck… Again, I pretended I didn’t hear. So he asked again: “Mom, a dildo, is a plastic dick?”
I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or laugh, so the noises I was making were quite strange. My third son (7) asked: “Mom, are you crying or laughing?” I couldn’t talk. My 2nd son kept asking about the freaking dildo. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to kick my oldest son so he could create a diversion but I sit at the head of the table and he was too far. I was terrified that my daughter (6) joined in and wanted to know more about dildos.
I ended up walking away for a few minutes because I truly couldn’t handle the situation and I needed to laugh.

We were done with dinner and I went upstairs to turn on the radiators. I was still cold. I discovered that the one in the bathroom didn’t work. Crap. I started stressing because I hate calling the landlord and I hate even more having men I don’t know in my house when I’m alone.

Shit. shit. shit. What now? I was very stressed.
Then I got an idea. I went to the fridge and poured myself a (tea)cup of wine. I gave myself some courage and opened YouTube. “Radiator won’t heat”. I clicked on the 1st video. More crap. It was British English and the wine was already working. I was trying to understand WTF was the guy talking about.
Then I heard him saying remove the something something head, something something, wiggle, wiggle, lubricate.
“OK!!” So I grabbed my tool, removed the head, tried the wiggle wiggle… Didn’t work, so I had to lubricate and more wiggle wiggle.
Ten seconds later I was shouting: “I fixed the radiator!!”
My oldest son came and asked me: “How?” “I did what the video said to do” “And what was that?” “Wiggle, wiggle, lubricate” “Did you put vaseline on it?”. I thought I was going to die…

I went to my room. Five minutes later my 2nd son came. “Mom, what’s a dildo?” “A plastic dick” “hahahahahaha”.
I was so glad that he didn’t want to know more.


~ by DotedOn on October 14, 2015.

45 Responses to “414”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.


  2. Sounds like someone I know with five kids. Just imagine if he ask ever person we talks to what a dildo is!!!!! Only you kids could come up with things they do. So takes yours out of the nightstand, then call over mr curious over ask him to set down, tell him you have something to talk to him about, then show him the dildo so he’ll shut. The find out who is feeding him the information, time ti talk with the mom. That means acting like a normal mom, wear a shirt the covers you’re boobs, leave the dildo at home. Maybe even some mascara.
    Always happy to weigh in on a solution.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. omg laughing so freakin hard at your kids. You have the funniest kids. And you are so funny the way you tell the stories. Thanks for my daily dose of giggles. XX

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Is it bad I laughed? šŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh goodness! What were the watching that was advertising dildos?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am laughing so hard right now. I feel sorry for you, because I know the torture me and my 2 brothers put my mom through. But… man, that’s some funny stuff. Wiggle, wiggle, lubricate… yeah, radiator. Uh huh.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Well congragulations on your radiator win! That’s impressive!
    Even more impressive: managing to keep in your laughter until you could get away. You’ve got great stories!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. hahaha I died laughing at the “dildo” conversation. I can imagine how hard it is to deal with the whole situation…Funny kids they are šŸ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I could not have held it together either! Of course that would happen on soup night. Of course!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. OMG! P! This deserves it’s own HBO prime time series. Personally, I have experienced many embarassing situations with kids and grandkids but nothing like that. So we go from a household singing a new dildo song to mom’s radiator doesn’t get hot without a little wiggle wiggle and lubrication. I see a connection here for a new top ten tune on Apple iTunes by the indie group, Dildo’s I have Known. Please be aware that the fun of discussing dildo’s at home will mean that they will share their experience with teachers and school mates. You might as well buy several to decorate the house with. Everyone is going to think you have one hell of a collection anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

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