525

Mug shot Tuesday. “You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.”
I picked that one to continue with the “Hormones Theme” and because it made me laugh.

Menopause, what to expect? Expect?!? When I expect something, I’m looking forward to that something. I’m telling you, I DO NOT look forward to any of the things on the list below.

Hot flashes
Irritability
Mood swings
Loss of libido
Dry vagina
Incontinence
Flatulence
Weight gain
Hair loss
Increase in facial hair

I’m single and I know I could be menopausal any time soon. If you are a man, I bet you are THRILLED to know what you are getting into.
Holy f#$k. I wish there was a way to keep those things hidden. But how?? HOW??

I believe the best way to cope with all that crap, is to embrace it.

For example:

-You get a hot flash. Instead of frowning, shouting at someone to open the f#$king window or grabbing some papers to make some air, just smile, open your purse and display a nice fan. Choose the one that works better for you.

-You are irritable (and this close to hit someone). Instead of breaking plates or swearing at your partner, get a printer and start kickboxing. You can print the faces of the people you’d like to kick in the face and stick them on the punching bag. Every time you practice, you put the picture a bit higher. That way you get motivation to improve your kick.

-You get mood swings. That’s a hard one to camouflage without seeming completely insane. Maybe you can say you are practicing what you learned in your acting class.

-Lost of libido. Before that happens, I advis e you to be honest to yourself and make a mental list of the things that turn you on. Then if you need to buy some stuff (books, movies, lingerie, toys), DO IT NOW. If you are good to go with just a thought, keep thinking about that… Just DON’T lose it because I heard it’s very difficult to get it back once it’s gone.
If you do that, you’ll avoid the next thing on the list, the dreaded dry vagina.

-You are incontinent. That’s a hard one too. I’d say, go shopping for the nicest panties you find and keep them ready in your purse. If some incident happens, you’ll LOVE when you get the chance to wear the nice panties.

-Flatulence. Start practicing different ways of coughing. Try a short cough and then a series of long and “sandy” ones. You’ll need a lot of practice to synchronize your cough to the other sound. I’d also advice to have a few perfume samples in your purse and while you are “coughing”, take one, spray it and say: “I got this one at the mall yesterday, what do you think?”. Also remember that the other person could find the new aroma not really pleasant, so always have something ready to say and try to avoid the awkward and smelly silence.

-Weight gain. Ugh. Buy your clothes one or two sizes bigger and always remember that beauty comes from the inside… A fart too.

-Hair loss. Go shopping for wigs, caps, hats and bandanas. Start wearing them now to get use to them.

-Increase in facial hair. You have a few options. Either you embrace it.

Or you invest in some beauty products to remove it.

I realized I need to work on my “mood swings” immediately. I mentioned several times that I play Words With Friends, right? Apart from that, I also play Wordfeud. About one year ago, I started playing with a person who has more or less the same level I have so we are quite competitive. For about half a year, we only said to each other: “Good game” “Nice win” etc, etc.,
None of us knew if the other was male/female because at the time, our pictures were of random objects.
One day, I asked this person their name and we kind of started chatting a bit. I needed to know if it was a man or a woman because years ago I kind of flirted with a Philippine woman because I thought her nickname was a male name… I’m still laughing about it but hell, it was really embarrassing.
So I found out his name is Stan, from Virginia and 34 years old and that he rides his bike when he can. He knows I’m 43 from Argentina, living in Germany and that if I can avoid to ride my bike, I’ll do it.
That’s pretty much all we know about each other.
Yesterday he beat me on our game and we started a new game. Since I was in a BAD mood, I didn’t congratulate him until a couple of hours later.

After that, he said I was funny (and probably he thought I was joking).

Is it possible that people who barely know me can tell that I’m NOT OK only by reading one freaking sentence I write??
I know I can’t hide my emotions very well and if I like you, you can tell and if I don’t like you, trust me, you can feel it. But come on!!

Advertisements

~ by DotedOn on February 2, 2016.