580

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Monday. I’m not sure if it’s because we changed the time or because I decided to have a little celebration and drank more than I could handle and went to bed really late, but today I’m totally lost (and smiling).
I also couldn’t sleep very well because my bedroom was kind of spinning. But there is always something good about not sleeping, I got to see the sunrise. And that mostly happens when I don’t go to bed until morning and really seldom because I got up early.

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I have to be honest, the sunrise is probably the only good thing about not sleeping the whole night because all the rest like the tossing around, staring at the ceiling, the ugly thoughts… those are really bad.
Last night I couldn’t help by thinking about all the men who broke my heart. And crap, they were many.
And I still couldn’t sleep so I made a ranking to see which one was the most hurtful.
I was really amazed to discover that my online affair a couple of years ago was the one that hurt me the most. What’s hard to believe is that I hadn’t even met the guy in person.
You have no idea how much he hurt me and the pile of lies he said and that I believed.
You could think that I was naive but the truth is, I never thought someone could pretend so well. Maybe not even his name was Jim and probably he wasn’t a special needs teacher either.
The romance lasted a couple of weeks and it was beautiful and deep and until the day that he disappeared, I didn’t realize that I didn’t know his last name or his address or anything that I could use to track him down.
My idea to find him wasn’t to stalk him, it was only to know if he was ok because the last thing he said was: “See you later” and then absolute silence.
I thought that something had happened to him and got terribly worried because he didn’t reply to any of my messages. About two days later, I found out that he had seen my messages but decided to ignore them and not reply.
You have to imagine that I was already hurting thinking that something bad had happened to him but I was hiding my concern so my family didn’t worry about me. But when I discovered that he was ignoring me, I couldn’t hide my tears and I had to pretend to be crying about something else.
I felt a knot in my throat all the time and every time the thought of him came to my mind, I cried. It was so hard to get over that.
I kept sending messages to him for weeks and he kept reading them and not replying. One day, about two months after he disappeared, I opened the messenger app we used to use to chat and I saw that he had changed the picture of some bridge in Duluth, Minnesota to one of himself dressed as a groom in a room full of lights and flowers. My heart sunk.
How could he lie to me? He knew I was falling for him and he played the part of loving boyfriend and never said anything, he just kept feeding the lie.
Why would someone do something like that? Is it just me that thinks that other people’s feeling are important?

F#$k you, Jim!
I feel better now.

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~ by DotedOn on March 28, 2016.

17 Responses to “580”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.

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  2. I’m sorry to read about this, Paola. There are jerks everywhere, and the anonymity of the internet does nothing but help people like him hide behind false pretenses.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s hard to look back at relationships and try to piece together what happened and you can torture yourself with the guessing. It’s better just to move on although I know it’s hard without closure. If it was jus the internet, he may not have had much vested in the relationship to begin with and just moved on if he met someone who was right in front of him.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What a jerk. They are everywhere…so sad.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I met my husband online and I’m so glad I did, however I have many friends who’ve had their heartbroken from online, long distance relationships. I don’t know why we get so connected with online relationships, but my best, uneducated guess is because we’ve usually bared our souls to them – more than we do in the “real” world.

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you and the pain you feel.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What everyone else said. Dating is hard but online dating is harder. It’s so much easier to see red flags in real life. If you’d actually met the guy, maybe his voice would have turned you off, or maybe he’d be awkward around your kids. I’m not discounting online dating but I think if there’s a spark, the interested parties should meet in person ASAP.

    Liked by 1 person

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