599

599

Saturday. Every now and then one of my kids comes to me and asks me: “If you could have a superhuman ability, which one would you pick?”
I always replied: “I’d love to be able to fly”. I’m sure that answer will change next time I get asked that question.
I want my new ability to be having the power to make any wait disappear. I’m not sure how that could work but I don’t care. I really want to get rid of wait.
Any kind of wait makes me anxious. This extraordinary ability could make the person waiting forget about the wait and spare the anxiety and pain.

Sometimes you wait and you know that the outcome will be something nice and expected. Like when you are waiting for a child to be born.
Other times the wait is a sad one. For example when you know that a person is sick and you know they won’t survive and you are torn. A part of you hates the idea that your beloved one will leave this world so you want to keep them alive for longer but at the same time you feel that the person had enough suffering and you wish the agony stops soon.
It also sucks waiting for a result. When you have to wait to know if you passed the exam or wait to know if you have a disease or not.
Sometimes you have to wait for one thing to happen and depending on that outcome the thing that you are waiting for, will or will not happen. These may be bad examples but it’s what comes to my mind right now.
When I was still with my ex and I really couldn’t stand being with him for one more second, I was waiting for him to screw up really bad so I would have the perfect excuse to leave.
Or for example I remember when I was a teenager and the guy I liked was dating a girl I didn’t like so I was waiting for them to break up and see if I had a chance. (Don’t tell me you never wished for that to happen. I did, more than once).

Waiting is horrible. I’ve been waiting for my happy ending for a very long time. I wish there was a way to let time pass but genuinely forget about the wait and be able to breathe and live. To enjoy everything around without cringing every time you see the watch or every time you realized “Oh crap, it’s Christmas again . Where the f#$k did time go and why nothing happened yet?”

I know that many people choose to get busy and try to leave the haunting thoughts out but I also know that the more you try to keep those thoughts quiet, the harder they scream at you and the more anxious you get.

I want my extraordinary power to be the ability to get rid of the distress of waiting. Waiting is painful and I hate pain.

And please, today and the coming days avoid telling me: “The best comes to those who wait”.
I want the best and I’m done waiting.

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~ by DotedOn on April 16, 2016.

15 Responses to “599”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.

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  2. Oh goodness! I don’t like to wait on the grocery line! I can’t imagine how it feels to wait for something that may have no foreseeable end. Better to accept things as they are and just replace the waiting with hoping.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Waiting does suck, but I try to figure out a way to make the waiting worth something. After all, isn’t it the journey that makes the destination all the more sweet?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Paola they’re not bad examples! A very thoughtful Post 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Waiting does suck, and you gave some great examples. I’ve experienced most of them, though not the boyfriend thing. And though I hate having to wait (“immediate gratification” anyone?), sometimes waiting serves a purpose you never expected or needed even though you didn’t want it. The power I would wish for you is to STOP waiting for the perfect man to show up. Underneath everything, I think it’s what makes you most miserable because it seems you believe it will be the answer to making you happy. It’s not that you should give up hope that you will meet a good man, but what if—yes, what if—he never shows up? How will you be spending your life and time (excluding raising your kids and all the necessary survival stuff)? It needs to be directed in a way that works solely for you without relying on a man to come along to fill a void, or fix things, or be some sort of answer. Who knows? Or what if the “right” man isn’t so wonderful in the ways you dreamed he’d be? You may meet a man, fall in love and things are not all that much better or different—and some things maybe worse? You really don’t know. That’s one type of “waiting” that is definitely a waste :-\

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Donna!
      I wish I could really explain how I feel and I’m afraid that only the ones who are alone for a long time can truly understand it.
      I’m not only single, I don’t have any family or friends here. I didn’t choose to live in this place, it was the only one I could afford (I signed a separation agreement and I can’t live further away than here). Sometimes I feel so sad and lonely that it hurts. I know I have my kids but that’s not enough. I can’t leave because if I do I could lose them.
      My past relationship wasn’t a good one and I feel I deserve something better. So the thought that one day I’ll finally have my happy ending is the only thing that keeps me going.
      The idea that it may not happen just breaks my heart and it’s then when I don’t feel like leaving the bed or doing anything.
      I need to believe that one day I’ll be able to have a man who will be there for me when I’m lost, who’ll hold my hand and tell me that there is nothing to worry about.
      I’m not the kind of person who can be busy and forget. I can’t kid myself that way. It’s not that I’m stuck, I keep doing things, it’s just I think that life it’s meant to be shared with someone special and not to be alone.
      You know what you need to be happy, right? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I’ll respond privately, Paola…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have to agree, waiting sucks and can be painful. And i hate waiting too. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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