Screen Shot 2016-05-07 at 9.22.34 AM

Sunday. A couple of years ago I wrote a few posts about karma and how some comments/jokes I made once, came back to me in a quite painful way. Like the time I laughed at the poor Swedish guy who got a sunburn and that same day I forgot to put sunblock on my ears and I completely burned and ruined them.
Or the other times in my early 20’s when my cousin and my friend Vero got always the wrong guys out of the bunch so I used to say: “Let’s go out with them so for sure they’ll pick the assholes instead of us”. That one was a terrible thing to say because after that, I only started collecting the REALLY wrong guys.
I wonder if the spell is broken already.

The other night I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about some ex boyfriends. Particularly, two of them. The nicest ones. I did have a couple of nice men and you know what happened? I left them.
I left them for other men because according me, they were too nice and kind of bored me.
At the time it seemed a good idea not to be with them anymore. The problem was the way I decided to end the relationships. The worst ways possible.

I cheated on Rodrigo with an ex after telling him: “Don’t worry, I don’t care about Gustavo anymore”. I was back with Gustavo 3 days later.
I think I destroyed Rodrigo’s heart in ways that still hurt me. He ended up changing school in the middle of the year… Who does that?? (Maybe someone who moves to another town… Or someone with a broken heart?).
I never forgave myself for what I did and the worst part was that he didn’t forgive me for a really long time either.
I met him once years later and he seemed he had forgotten about it but the truth is that I couldn’t even look at him in the eyes.

Then there was poor Mark. I stopped loving him and got interested in someone else. This time I didn’t want to cheat on him but I didn’t have the balls to leave him. So what did I do? I used a really cheap excuse to start a fight and then I left him. I never said: “I don’t love you anymore”. I just said everything else.
I totally destroyed Mark’s heart too. I banned myself from his town because I’m not sure I have the balls to face him if I ever meet him again.

My question is: could it be that I’m still paying for that? And if so, how much do I still owe?

Remember a few weeks ago I wrote something that my mom used to tell me: “The one who leaves without being asked, comes back without being called”.
I have proof that it’s true. Karma. Mostly all the men who left me, came back in a way or another. And of course, I wasn’t interested in them anymore. I’m not sure if I wanted them to come back, I just wished they could never forget me.

Then there is a category of “more than a friend, less than a boyfriend”. I had a few of those too.
Those relationships ended without anyone saying the relationship was over. It was like things dissolve without pain or tears. No broken hearts.
And those times, who gets old friend Karma? Nobody.

Believe it or, life wanted me to meet those guys again many years later. And you know what’s incredible? There was a mutual feeling of unfinished business.
Nobody could blame the other or be resentful because things just froze.
The thing is, why there is the need or curiosity to defrost things and see what could happen next?
Of course I can’t answer that question but I can say I ended up meeting one of them. I needed to know what could happen if things continued.
Nothing. I think we got our closure. And no hard feelings.

The other one told me: “We should meet and catch up”. The ball is in nobody’s court. I wonder if he’s waiting for me to make the next move.
As I also wonder if he will make the next move. And if he does, will I go through or will I chicken out?
Or maybe it’s a good idea to leave things the way they are and always wonder what could have happened. Oh man, that’s so contrary to my beliefs!

~ by DotedOn on May 15, 2016.

8 Responses to “628”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.


  2. Funny how different relationships can be different things. Yes, they always come back!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Funny how that happens, isn’t it? And why do the girls always pass up the nice guys? We do (eventually) become what they want. I think. Maybe? Ok, maybe not. Some of us do though. πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I thought I’d wait a day to reply, don’t be to self critical Paola, it’s a shame we don’t have the wisdom of a 40+ at age 16, wouldn’t we all be more intelligent rounded human beings, I’m not sure if I believe in paying for one’s mistakes later in life, you’ve a good heart and that’s all that counts. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: