630

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Tuesday. Misunderstandings. It’s unbelievable how wrong things can go when the communication fails.
I’m not sure why I woke up this morning thinking about something that happened to me some years ago.

I was eating out with my then boyfriend when I said:
“If that happens to me, I jump from the 11th floor”
He stared at me and said: “I can’t believe you can say something like that”
I didn’t understand what he meant, so I laughed and said: “It’s a joke!”
He went on: “I can’t believe how you could say that, knowing that my father jumped from an 11th floor”
“Are you fu#$ing kidding me? I didn’t know your dad jumped from a building, you never told me that. You only said he had committed suicide but you never told me anything about it. I truly didn’t know that”.
“I’m pretty sure I told you”
“Trust me, if I had known, I wouldn’t have said that. What do you think I am?”
I got a knot in my throat and I couldn’t eat or talk anymore. He spent the rest of the evening looking at me in a sad way. He was disappointed.
I think things never were the same after that. I couldn’t believe he thought I was a cold hearted bitch. I couldn’t believe how he thought I was capable of saying such a joke if I knew what had happened to his father.

I really didn’t know. It was a painful subject for him so I never asked anything. Probably that was my fault but at the time I thought I was respecting him by not asking what was not of my business.
I felt trapped after that.
It seems that sometimes no matter what you choose, it’s always the wrong choice.

I would have loved if he had said something like: “Please, don’t say that, not even as a joke. My dad jumped from a building”.
The way he reacted hurt me. I know that probably what I said hurt him more. But I didn’t know, I didn’t do it on purpose. Guilty without intention.

It hurt that he didn’t believe me.
I always hurt when I feel I disappointed someone.

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~ by DotedOn on May 17, 2016.

15 Responses to “630”

  1. Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.

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  2. It really is awful when we do/say things like this. I know I certainly have, but it’s usually due to my having forgotten something for me to “not know.” I can’t help but think he probably had told you, but you didn’t remember the details of it, just the “big picture” of suicide. That’s a detail that’s too coincidental, I think, and I’m sure he thought the same thing 😦 I also understand his reaction. He was shocked and deeply hurt by it, intentional or not.

    I know I’m a talker, I’m very open with my thoughts, opinions and feelings, and depending on the situation, I don’t necessarily have a filter from brain to mouth. It feels awful when I “slip” and insult or hurt someone in the process. It’s never intentional. (OK, a couple of times, in very heated argument, I’ve said something directly that I’d been holding in with someone who, at that moment, I was cutting out of my life.)

    Of course, if what you said wasn’t so deeply hurtful to him, he MAY have answered you in a calm way, but I’m thinking that would’ve been impossible. I know it would’ve been for me. It’s a shame he didn’t believe you, but it may be because you said you “didn’t know” rather than “I must’ve forgotten that detail” kind of thing 😦

    It seems for a while now you’re doing an awful lot of focusing on regrets. If you’re not somehow learning from them, it will keep you depressed, Paola 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • I need to take all the crap off my system 🙂
      I wake up in the middle of the night remembering these kind of things.
      And I didn’t know about Mark’s dad, he never told me and all the time I supposed he had shot himself.
      He was calm when he said it, I felt hurt because he didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t know. I really didn’t know.
      About the number of the floor, I always use the same numbers when I give examples 🙂

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  3. Honestly I think he’s being overly sensitive. He has to know you didn’t mean to be malicious when you made that comment. Maybe he’s just looking for a way out of the relationship but if I were you, I wouldn’t blame myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Be easy on yourself. You meant no harm. I’d guess it was more on him than you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I can see both sides. You were both hurt. I’m just sorry that happened. It was a simple mistake that could have happened to anyone, you didnt know his father had jumped from a building. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Unintentionally hurting someone is such a horrible feeling. 😦

    Liked by 2 people

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