686

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Tuesday. I’m not good a company today. I’m pissed off and frustrated and sad. I’m so overwhelmed that there is no room to operate. I can’t think, I can’t function and the worst, I can’t cry.
I’m holding this bunch of crap inside for over two weeks already. I thought that with time things were going to get better but I was wrong. More and more things came up and I’m not sure how I’m holding on.
First, I didn’t want to show any emotion because I didn’t want my ex hugging me and taking advantage of the situation. The second time the f#$king thieves broke in the house, I almost lost it and one tear fell. Only one. That’s all I could do because I didn’t want to scare my kids even more.
Then we got back and I was alone for 3 days. I thought I could finally let everything out. I couldn’t, I managed only to vegetate eating junk food.
More crap came. Like my internet connection not working right, my kids complaining about it and me blaming my kids because I thought they were the cause of it for playing those freaking online games that suck all the wifi. But that wasn’t the case because the connection didn’t work while they were sleeping either. That caused more stress, and trying to communicate with customer support, even more. Add to that how tired I feel because I didn’t take my iron pills for over a month. (I can’t even say why I chose not to take them).

I could have cried yesterday while on the phone with customer support but I didn’t think it was for the right reasons, so I kept it in. Also because I don’t want my kids to see me crying. It’s always hard to explain to them why I’m crying.
But in the evening when I was in bed, something happened that made me so mad that I could have broken a wall. And I thought that maybe that was it.

You know I play Words With Friends. During the summer months, many of my players don’t play much. I guess some are on vacation or enjoying the nice weather outdoors. For whatever reason, sometimes hours pass and nobody plays so I kind of suffer a shortage of cross words. So what do I do? I start several random games using another app, Wordfeud.
So on Sunday when none of my players were playing, I started a few games.
I got matched with a guy who, after playing the first word, said: “Hi”. I replied and then some other questions came. Then it was late and I went to sleep.
Yesterday he said “Hi” again and started asking more questions. Very nice, very polite.
Then he asked if he could see another picture of me. Ugh… Why? So I replied I just put that one.
When he mentioned that he had the feeling my body was as pretty as my face, he kind of pissed me off… But ok, maybe it’s me and the hormones, so I just thanked him.

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Then he wanted to know what I was doing. “Now what? I better answer that I’m going to sleep”.
I said: “I’m in bed” but apparently he needed confirmation.

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Then: “In bed alone”… Holy crap, I needed an exit so I wrote about my son not sleeping with me anymore. I didn’t expect his reply. I was cursing. So I just wrote: hahaha.
His next question made my blood boil a bit: “What are you wearing?”

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Oh shit… At that same moment, we finished the game and we started a new one. I replied on that chat: “A Snoopy nightgown” and then I went to the other chat and wrote: “I’ll see you tomorrow. Turning off the light now :)”.

Then I saw he had left a message on the first game so I opened it. He wanted to know what else I was wearing. My level of “pissiness” was quite high at the time so I wrote I was wearing a scarf because my throat hurt. I added: “See you” so he knew I wasn’t going to play or answer anymore.

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And just as I was going to close the game I saw he had sent a message on the second game.

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“That’s it!” I was fuming and pissed off. I felt completely offended. “Why? Why??”. I don’t want to pretend I’m a saint. I’m not. Far, very far from it and some of you may know what I’m capable of. But really, why? Do I have a sign saying: “Cum and beat off with me?” Did I lead him there? He was nice asking about my kids and normal stuff then he probably got horny… I don’t give a f#$k. I choose what to say and to whom and I choose who I want in my bed.
And that’s not a sexy picture! I’m not even smiling or have a naughty face!

Maybe any other time I would have played along but this time, I felt completely violated. I thought I could finally cry but no, I only wanted to hit my pillow. And I couldn’t even do that.

All this time I needed to talk to someone but I refrained because I was afraid of starting to cry and never stop. I’m avoiding to talk with my mother for that same reason.
Until yesterday when my friend Mike asked me. Then I told him what happened and how I felt.

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I thought that after telling him, I was going to cry two rivers. But that didn’t happen either. I said what I had to say, emotionless.

I’m afraid that I tried to pull myself together too hard and for too long and now I can’t express my emotions anymore.
I wonder what will be the detonator, and when.

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~ by DotedOn on July 12, 2016.

7 Responses to “686”

  1. It’s creepy that these people are supposed to be playing an intelligent game and then they start with the pick up lines like this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s pretty shitty that a guy would use this game to try and flirt. That happened to a colleague of mine too. It wasn’t just you, most people would be creeped out by his questions and innuendos. I recommend trusting your intuitions and ending those conversations fast.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Liked by 1 person

  4. Ok… that final answer from that guy… I mean, come on… that’s just.. Ugh. And I disagree with you on that photo. I actually like it, it’s a simple photo and the way your head is tilted and that slight smile, you were it well and it hints at a bit of mischievousness hidden underneath. That, or I have been reading your blog so long that I just know it’s there. Either way, it’s a good photo.

    Liked by 1 person

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