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Monday. I don’t like writing when I’m sad. I need it but I hate it. I hate the part in me that gets hopeless and depressed. I hate it because I can’t recognize it, I can’t accept it. I insist, it’s not me.
I already have to deal with my hormones and that’s more than enough. I don’t need sadness or depression. It’s a lot of work to function under those circumstances. So it could be that if in the future I don’t feel ok, I won’t write until I get better. So if 1, 2 or 25 posts are missing, it’s because I’m mourning and I can’t see the glass half full in any way.
I told my friend Aaron over the weekend: “It’s not easy to see the glass always half full. Sometimes, it’s almost impossible. Sometimes I wish I could break the f#$king glass”.
It’s stressing. Depression sucks. When you see every light around you turning off and there is nothing you can do. And still, you have to do it because you have people depending on you. Like when you feel you want to go to bed and cry and your kids start asking what’s for dinner. Or when you are out doing whatever and something triggers a memory that suffocates you and tears start rolling down your cheeks and you try to keep your posture and pretend that something went in your eyes.
Or like I did a few times, I grabbed an onion and chopped it so I could camouflage some sad tears.
I want to feel better automatically. I don’t want to force it. I don’t want the need to keep myself busy so my mind doesn’t go to ugly places. I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want to let anything affect me deeply or for long time. I want to feel fine. I really want to see the glass half full naturally.
Last Saturday I decided to water my plants. I don’t do it very often. While I was doing it, I saw my cactus looking a bit sad. I lifted to see what was wrong with it and I almost cried when I saw it was dying in front of me. Or that was probably dead.
That’s the third cactus I killed. I couldn’t believe when I killed one, I couldn’t believe it when I did it for a second time and you have no idea how I’m feeling now that I killed the third one.
I’m shaking my head and while I feel awful for killing my cactus, there is this strange feeling in me saying: “You can do the impossible”.
DotedOn 
Paola don’t you worry yourself about not always posting, I’ll be reading when you’re back, writing must be fun 🙂 Andrew x 🙂
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Thank you, Andrew 🙂
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It looks fine to me, Paola. Sometimes they wilt with little water, but usually prop back up again.
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It looks completely rotten inside. I didn’t throw it away but I doubt it’ll come back 🙂
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I’m the worst with plants but have to say, I have a cactus and haven’t killed it yet. Kind of funny that you managed…at least something to laugh at. Sometimes life does just suck but you’re lucky you have your children to force you not to focus on it. I think my children are my anti-depressants but if they don’t work for you, maybe you can try something stronger!
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Something stronger than kids? 😀
That would be a few men 😀 (I only want one!).
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I think it sometimes can be a big relief when I blog about anger. Remember, someone may be feeling the same way. If you feel you must take a break at times, that’s okay too. We’ll be here waiting for you.
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Thank you, Bradley 🙂
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For you, I honestly think it’s hormones that are making you more weepy. I know what they can do to me sometimes and I’m not a depressive person. It can definitely be difficult to smile some days ’cause life is tough. For me, one of the things that picks me up is the fact that my son is alive and healthy (he had serious stuff going on last year), so is my daughter-in-law and their life is going well. I’m still here, regardless of how crappy things are going in many ways. Life is a struggle, but I hope you can try to keep your eye on the “grateful” ball. Remember—we ALL have to put effort into doing this when we’re down—it doesn’t just “happen” without intention. Hang in there oxox
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Thank you, Donna 🙂
I suffocate when I see myself going down. I can’t stand it!
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Also, why do you think YOU killed the cactus? Are you overwatering? They don’t need much. Maybe it was just its time, or maybe—-do the kids ever touch your plants?
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I was wondering the same things!
Keep laughing at life’s absurdities, Paola.
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I’m trying, Jay 🙂
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The kids said they didn’t touch it. I water my plants really seldom. They are used to that I guess 🙂
The cactus looks rotten inside. It’s no longer green but brown. I put it in front of the window to catch all the sun. I hope it comes back 🙂
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your so right about depression. its crippling. I’m sorry you are feeling so bad lately. Sometimes writing is like a release though. And we understand you cant always write happy things. Just be yourself. You are special and I love your blog. xxx
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That’s the thing! I don’t feel I’m myself when I’m sad! 🙂
And thank you ❤ ❤ 🙂
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I am with you on the green thumb thing or lack thereof. But, yeah, totally being able to do the night impossible.. woot.
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Doing the impossible feels good (sometimes!) 🙂
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